Genre Snobs or Metal Pretenders

As the name of the blog covers and a vast minority of my posts state as well as lifting heavy metal I like listening to it. My upbringing introduced me to the inescapable fact that fans of often ear bleeding metal are in somewhat of a minority in civilised or uncivilised society. So of course there is no way a minority group like this would be stupid enough to try splitting themselves into yet more miniscule minority groups is there? That would be stupid beyond belief so of course it happens.

I watch rather a lot of my music on youtube, because I am old and out of touch so this is a good way to find new music I like, and the volume of pretenders stating the album isn't hardcore, melodic death metal because the lead guitarist is using a silver spoon as a plectrum or similarly pointless comparison is just mind numbing for those of us who have one. There are more genres of metal out there than there were bands performing it in the UK charts for most of the 90s, in fairness the metal scene in the UK was pretty slow in that decade but seriously guys you need to get a grip a bit less often. There is classic metal, soft metal, death metal, metalcore, death core, melodic death, hardcore punk, tutu wearing metal, and so many more it is absurd to think no song could end up in more than one genre let alone a full album.

Being the sort of person who tolerates stupidity so happily I of course support the pretenders at every opportunity by pointing out they need to spend a bit more time enjoying the music or finding stuff they do like rather than trying to be a pseudo aficionado on if the power chords are suitably low and bar is the correct amount of milliseconds each to fit the genre in the title.

There is no specific genre I seem to like universally, I like metal that is heavy in sound, fast, with lyrics that are either ridiculous, callous or thought provoking, and clear enough for me to understand while still having the sound that keeps it aggressive. A lot of my music is from this century, because the foundations laid in the classic metal mean newer bands can take more risks, making the music faster, heavier and more abusive than before without risking having no audience. Without the likes of Alice Cooper, who is still awesome if a bit soft for my tastes (who hasn't got away with more than they should to 'Poison'?), there could have been no Iron Maiden, without them there could be no Sepultura then Heaven Shall Burn etc. Of course such views are always well received by the genre snobs as all could imagine, of course this last is total nonsense, but there are always several liking my comments, ranging from kiddie metalheads to other middle aged men who are supposed to have grown out of this by now.

My tastes are definitely getting heavier, something I am noticing due to the number of times I am blipping through songs in the car that would have been fine years ago because they are too soft or slow. I can imagine me listening to someone singing about the injustice of war and government with white noise in the background in a matter of months, I am sure youtube will have that somewhere, I think it might be under the genre of hardcore metalcore with added tutu or something similar.

Artificial Intelligence vs. Natural Stupidity

No contest natural stupidity wins hands down.
The internet is a great way to see this in action if you are fortunate enough not to witness weapons grade stupidity in your real life. But for those who haven't I would like to declare some things that quite clearly demonstrate that we truly aren't as smart as we think we are and why stupidity is not only going to continue but is actively encouraged.

Recent US history, where stupidity was genuinely at it's most terrifying. When the Bush Cheney election had taken place a colleague of mine from the time found an interesting combination of research that should keep the world awake at night. There was a map of the US with average IQ and who was voted for by state. Ever state with an average IQ below 90, consider this is below 90% of the average intelligence for a person of their age, voted Bush conclusively, those with 90 or above voted Cheney. I will confess I didn't check the validity of the data but considering the American education system is worked out on the basis IQ is fixed for life their data in this area isn't likely to be great anyway.
So this meant the most powerful political leader on the planet had gained power by appealing to the most stupid members of the population. The more intelligent americans had either not bothered to vote or made up such a small percentage their votes weren't enough to stop the dumbest leader the nation had ever known gaining power.
We know that elections are only for the middle management and that as The Who said 'Meet the new boss, same as the old boss' but if you are too lazy or ignorant to vote intelligently don't bitch about the leadership you get.

Legal claims against workplaces. There are a lot of these encouraged in the UK and I am not a fan, particularly when they are basically encouraging people not to take responsibility for their own safety. 'I was waking through a kitchen and there was a spill on the floor' an environment where spills can happen to someone who has to choose between leaving a potential fire risk or slip hazard for someone to stupid to bother to watch their footing walking through a commercial kitchen. 'I was out on a job and there was no-one available to foot my ladder.' someone who didn't read the part of the UK 1979 health and safety responsibility certificate that says they must be responsible for ensuring they don't take unnecessary risks and should notify the responsible person if looking like they have too.
The worst part about this is that these morons get pay outs, encouraging the stupidity rather than punishing it.
If you need to be told your coffee may be hot or bag of roasted peanuts may contain peanuts, please remove yourself from the gene pool by ensuring you never breed. I know natural selection is supposed to ensure organism that fit their environments prosper but hopefully in time the world will realise that it is not a good thing to have stupidity fitting into our world so well.

Dedicated follower of fashion. A bit of a lighter example of stupidity. I remember being at school when the fashions of the 70s were laughed at with justified aplomb. The same people who were laughing at the ridiculous platforms and flares were then a few years later wearing the same things, though of course the trousers were named boot cut to ensure people could be laughed at for not even recognising they were wearing flares.
There are some intelligent fashions, off the top of my head I can't think of one, but it is so easy to identify the many blatant errors in judgement. Sports clothing becoming so fashionable that the sizing had to allow for the fact that in reality it would be a 20 stone couch potato wearing the latest shell or track suit. It really doesn't matter how many genuine athletes or sports people wear this stuff well it doesn't stop someone who looks like they have 5 buttocks being a great bulimia aid in nike leggings.
I openly admit to having no dress sense whatsoever and that there is a strong chance that many of the clothes I have worn were likely in fashion once but rarely worn at the same time. So yes I can look ridiculous, but I am not stupid enough to think otherwise.

Driving, riding or walking. If you really need to see stupidity displayed en masse in everyday life you only need to be on the move. There are plenty of cases where I have witnessed people to engrossed in their phones, or food to realise they were walking onto the road with a car, truck or bus coming straight at them. I have heard cyclists and motorcyclists declaring they could tell someone was going to pull out on them and were unable to do anything about it, unless of course they had a voice or horn they could activate to make the unobservant driver aware of their presence. Yes, it would be the driver's fault, that doesn't make it hurt less so take action.
One classic I remember when my main transport was still pedal bike, most of my life in fairness, was someone declaring how much safer they were in a car. This was cleared up a bit when I pointed out he was basing this on crash tests done at a maximum of 40mph when he spent most of his time on motorways doing 80mph. So the crumple zones that would save him at half the speed would just reduce the damage meaning you would be trapped and possibly slowly fatally injured rather than instantly killed, personally I would rather die without suffering too much first. Don't talk safety with people who really can understand physics.
The number of ways in which people are stupid when commuting or travelling is immense. There is a good reason the motor car was hailed as the automated death machine in the early part of the 20th century, and it wasn't due to the limits of the machinery.

My job is in technology so I am very experienced in seeing how if you make something idiot proof they will upgrade the idiot, and of course occasionally being the idiot myself. I haven't gone as far as to wonder where the 'any key' is but I have asked how to create something only to have a really clear 'CREATE' button in a clear colour pointed out on screen.
Working in development means you get used to being given uninformed or flaky specifications, then these becoming less mobile and more motorised. This happens to such an extent that I tend to worry now if there is no scope creep, because the majority of the time stuff goes out according to first spec and no-one asks for changes it is because no-one ended up using it. This in itself is not always as stupid as it may first appear but there are definitely cases that have been beyond the realms of intelligence. one I remember was being asked to produce data for people who had found part time work and put this alongside how many women had been found work, not as a subset just an aside. The worst part to this was that I raised how pointless this would be before being told to just build it, then got asked to justify why I had built it afterward as they realised how irrelevant it was.
Those of us who have had to specialise in our jobs are often put to shame by those with more generic knowledge. So while I am lumped into IT by my job, I am left floundering at basic things like how to use the office printer or look blankly when people start talking about PC specs. The old question of 'How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?' definitely has the answer, never happen that's a hardware problem in my world. I know hardware exists and is essential for my work to be able to run, I just don't have a clue about it and don't care to learn about it either, voluntary ignorance that frequently makes me look stupid to others.

There are so many examples of how stupidity is rewarded too. People who have made a fortune selling themselves into some form of celebrity and getting a massive following of wannabes into the bargain. A terrifying example is Katie Price, the person who complains so vehemently about Frankie Boyle insulting her parenting but is willing to disappear into any environment she is told if there is a camera in the area, deserting her children while doing so. I remember wondering what exactly all the fuss was about the first and gladly only time I saw her on a TV show, Top Gear as it happens, such a sour face and the voice and personality certainly seemed to back up the look. I do remember thinking the reason for her multiple divorces was that her exes had figured out they could get a better looking twin pack of silicone at the local DIY store, with a better personality to boot.
I think she would be less scary if there weren't an army of young girls seeing her as the way to be. I know she isn't the worst role model people have chosen to follow, Charlie Bronson is one I have heard a couple of people declaring they wanted to emulate and I think he's worse, but the whole spectrum of embracing the most stupid and pointless in our society is a horrible thought.

I declare that I have survived despite the number of stupid things I have done and I stand by it. I cannot justify this fully, much of what I have done could very easily have killed me and as my son pointed out that would mean he wouldn't exist. What I do that is different to so many is accept responsibility for what I have done and the consequences.
Strangely enough when you are living a life where your life is at risk several times a day, you don't tend to consider later life. Something to do with not expecting to have one. The irony is I considered what I did OK because if anything went really wrong I'd die and that would be the end of it, chance of injury were, in my mind, lower than chance of death. I was wrong of course and the list of injuries I sustained was enough for me to have had 247 scars removed from my body, most successfully and those that failed are no worse than previous. The medical insurance covered this and I thought what the heck. The internal damage was pretty nasty too.
As an aside to this I remember being in hospital for the 2nd batch of scar removal, some crossed over others so it took two separate batches. I came out and was wrapped in bandages over a lot of my body to stop me scratching and opening up the delicate stitching. There was another patient in the hospital who looked at my bandages and evidently wanting horror stories asked what I had done. When I answered scar removal he walked away disappointed. Not bright when you consider I was largely covered with bandaging so if someone wanted horror stories I was the place to be.
Back to the point. Now I live with the results of living like there would be no tomorrow only to find there is. This means waking up in pain every day, a few stretches and movements tends to get rid of most of it, and by continuing to train I keep myself able and mobile so I am less lucky and more the result of switching from not caring to looking after myself.
The point here is this is no-one else's fault, it's mine. There was no-one with a gun to my head, in fact it would have likely have taken that to stop me doing the stupid things I made the core of my life for my younger adult years. Subsequently I accept the responsibility for the price I pay for those choices and live with it. We can all be stupid but we need to accept this as our own choice and not look to blame others.

I don't like the drugs. Musical reference aside I am a bit of a rarity in today's world, a total straight head, all the stranger for my interest in dangerous sports, where there are a lot of recreational substances used, part of not caring about later life I guess. The reason is less moral stance and very much fear based. I tried alcohol and it made me uncontrollably violent so I was scared to try anything else. This certainly wasn't lack of opportunity, in fact in some ways the easy availability made it less appealing, there was no urgency to try it because it would always be there. Most of the people I knew were casual or frequent users of class A narcotics and I got used to being around them and what this involved.
The parts I find stupid are the blame and blindness that goes with a lot of drug or substance users, this includes alcohol and other legal substances.
Blame first. 'It wasn't me, it was the drink.' or other substance. Now if this was put into your body by someone else against your will I agree, if not no dice. If you drink the alcohol or take the drugs, you know the risks and likely the effect it will have on you. If you don't want those effects don't take it. I know that with a pathetic amount of alcohol in my system I become out of control and a danger to anyone nearby, so I don't drink. If I did it wouldn't be the alcohol's fault it would be mine and that would be stupid. Most people have done things they regret under the influence of substances they have gone back to, the smarter of these moderate, others just become a joke.
Blindness, not literal but voluntarily ignoring the inescapable fact that there is always a price to pay, sooner or later. If what you take lifts you up, there will be a come down, and it could be a longer journey down than you were ready for. If you take things that are mood based, hallucinogens etc. then being nervous about taking them will definitely mean you will wish you hadn't, there are made up horror stories of course and most of these are stupidly obvious, but seeing someone on a bad trip is pretty bad, being in one must be infinitely worse. I have helped a number of people make decisions on drugs before, and surprisingly considering I never resort to the 'don't do drugs' mantra many have decided not to for a while because of things I have said.
Asking the dealer for guidance is not a good idea, most of them are long term users and don't remember the first time at all. Look up what things do to you positive and negative, short and long term first. There is no such thing as a totally harmless drug and it's worth finding out the cost and benefits before taking it. If you need to see the truth of this find someone who has frequently smoked cannabis, an often stated harmless narcotic, for a number of years and see how a conversation with them feels.
My adrenaline habit wasn't safer than any other addiction, the death would likely have been more dramatic but that's about it. There is no moral high ground here, I found another way to get high that's all there is to it.

Parenting is an area where I think a lot of stupidity starts. There are a lot of people so convinced that children can't do x, y or z and subsequently they never try to find out if they can. I came into parenting totally blind to what different ages were supposed to be able to do, so I talked to my son as an equal, which has meant a number of conversations where I have said a sentence then spent a few minutes explaining the meaning of half the words in it and had to start again because the thread had been totally lost after the explanation. Yes this does make you feel very stupid, but it also means I haven't limited my son by my ignorance, this is to such an extent now that he is teaching me things I genuinely didn't know based on research he does for fun. By the time he reaches adulthood he's going to be way ahead of me, and that's a good thing.
A lot of the time we were educating our son at home involved lessons where we would have a list of things to cover and keep going up the difficulty until he didn't know any more. Then he started learning. This may seem bizarre considering we were teaching him so should know but he has a lot of interest in science, history, geology and a few other things so assuming he wouldn't have been on youtube or google finding out things just for fun would have meant looking like a total idiot in class, something his new teachers are starting to realise is all too easy if he takes an interest.
Children are as dumb as we make them. I know it's fashionable to be stupid but it really is time the fashion changed.

Heavy Metal and the World Wide Web

Most people who enjoy metal seem to mellow their tastes as they age, preferring music that still has a nice sound but a slightly slower pace to go with the pipe and slippers.
There are exceptions of course and I would have to be one of them. Rather than slowing down and relaxing I seem to need ever heavier sounds and faster pace. Music I would have trained to happily a few decades ago is now too mellow for me to be listening to while working. So the stuff I am sat at my soft air conditioned desk listening too is what most consider ear bleeding noise, while the stuff I am training to takes offensive noise to a whole new level. This might explain the fact I have injured the same place 2 years on the trot, in fact after around 15 years of no injuries I have now injured myself 3 times in under 5. Age brings sense and moderation my foot, I swear I am getting worse.

I think part of this is due to that marvel of modern society and mine of misinformation, the internet or world wide web.
When I was younger such tools were the stuff of science fiction so the music I could get hold of was limited to bands I'd heard about, could go see, or music at clubs. The metal scene in the UK wasn't quite dead but definitely in a coma many expected to be terminal. My travel around Europe meant exposure to some great bands singing in either English, surprisingly common, or languages I didn't understand by the time they were being screamed out at excessively high 3 figure decibels and beats per minute.
Don't get me wrong there is little to beat watching a live pub band from a few feet away, but there is a limit to what is available, and once back in the UK this became far worse.
Now we have YouTube which makes spectacular recommendations like Enya as you are listening to Fear Factory, I really wish I was kidding. Of course some of the suggestions are good but I would say the best thing about this is you can read the comments and find sounds that are similar suggested by people you will never meet. So relatively obscure bands like Strapping Young Lad become part of regular listening and the aural abuse continues.

Best of all we get to listen to these things free before buying their stuff and if they are rubbish simply move on Unless you are a bit dim-witted and post comments about the band members being too happy, gay, only to be abused by people intelligent enough to only listen to stuff they enjoy for any length of time.
So when I see people commenting on older stuff how they were born in the wrong era I tend to point out that they weren't and are likely getting to see more live music by the old bands than those of us old enough to have done so in person got too by a looong way.

I have tried a few online radio stations but some of their music matching is almost as bad as suggestions on YouTube. I guess it's difficult when you have someone who's less bothered by sub-genre and more by pace and sound.

The metal community is quite niche and many in it have picked up on the idea of being seriously pretentious. For them I will never be metal enough, I look very normal in an office, that's apparently as far as the normality goes, only have 1 tattoo and no piercings. I settle instead for actually enjoying a range of heavy sounding fast metal music from various sub-genres and artists.
Versions of heavy vary widely, to me it's a deep sound that your feel as much as hear and grabs your attention with both hands while a vocalist enters your mind with lyrics from the profound to the absurd or obscene. I am not a big fan of the full on deepest growling of some death metal but stuff like Heaven Shall Burn is perfectly good for me and some of the symphonic metal has a mix of operatic quality soprano with incredibly guttural death metal that just works incredibly well, though a lot of this tends to be a bit slower.

So a big thank you for the inventor of the world wide web, some random English guy who got nothing for it because in the UK innovation wasn't being encouraged, and the Americans for making it something for us all to play with.
Likewise thanks to all the people who upload music to YouTube for the world to see and hear and to YouTube for amusing me with some of their truly absurd suggestions and adverts, because of course having just selected some ear bleeding metal I am going to really enjoy sitting through a minute long ad for some production line rap or pop artist who has paid extra for an ad I can't skip after a few seconds.

A Bit On Metal

Quite a lot on here about iron but there is another form of metal that is dear to my heart, the musical sort.

There is a certain irony to my musical taste. Yes the pun was intentional, it was lousy but I'm not a comedian. I don't like profanity and spend my life trying to be a decent pacifist who is in control of his aggression. So the fact that most of my preferred music is blatantly abusive profanity slamming the system we live in and the general ignorance of people who don't realise how we are abused by so many things would appear to be in direct conflict with this.

There is a lot of infighting in metal which I don't get. We are a niche group anyway, why separate within ourselves? People will post to tell people they hate a given song or band and they want to listen to someone else instead. Why they stuck around listening to it long enough to say so rather than going elsewhere I don't know. It's the same when people write in to complain about a TV show they watched start to finish, as if there is only one channel. I am well out of touch with music and have been scoring through YouTube to find stuff I enjoy. In doing so I have found lots of stuff I don't, guess what I left these to the people who do and moved on.

One band I have found that really tick my boxes is Disturbed, the name says it all. Vocals are heavy with gravelled edge but not the full on growl of death metal, the guitars are just heavy and the drumming is awesome. The lyrics are brilliant, not pleasant, but most of my music isn't, but thought inspiring in the way only nasty stuff can be on occasions. The thing I am finding with these guys is the way they have been able to play at the fast pace I prefer and slower paces without me stopping enjoying it. Normally I find slow metal horrible, the feel of heavier music brings out the accelerated hyper in me allowing me to stop trying to slow myself down for a while, so when this is slow it aggravates me by not keeping up.
The lead singer sang with another band Deviant and though I still liked his vocals the guitars were lighter and I didn't like it nearly as much.

One relatively new genre of music is symphonic metal, why it took so long to arrive I don't know, most metalheads love powerful classical music so this seemed a really natural step for me. Many of them use female vocalists or in the case of Epica and a few others female symphonic and male death metal voice, which is a brilliant combination. I haven't encountered many women who could carry off metal, most just never had the power, but recently I have heard a few really good examples, one being in the iron maidens, an iron maiden cover obviously. To be able to cover Bruce Dickinson takes serious training, the guys vocal range was incredible and she does it better than anyone I have ever heard. The only reason I don't listen to them more is because I can listen to the actual tracks by iron maiden when that is the pace I want.

Old vs. new metal. Seriously annoying debate. I like a lot of the newer stuff but without the old to inspire them they would be nothing. The reason I prefer the newer stuff is predominantly pace. Older metal groups were playing to fans who will not have been used to hearing seriously fast music. In order for them to be remotely successful they had to play what people could handle, they were also inspired by music from other genres because metal was brand new, so the inspiration was from slower music. Now we have bands standing on the shoulders of these giants taking what they did to the next level in various ways while still keeping to the fundamental principles.

Topics. The most common topics in my metal are pointing out the flaws in society, leadership, war and showing ignorance as the harmful thing it generally is. This isn't done calmly, which makes people think it is about encouraging violence even though it is just showing why serious pacifists get so angry. One of the songs that brought this to my mind was finding out that the UK Christmas No.1 was rage against the machine's killin' in the name. A song showing disgust at the way people are sent to kill for the profit and megalomania of the few. One part I found strange with this was the declaration that it was inappropriate for Christmas, after all how could a group of people with one leading voice getting angry and speaking out against the establishment in the name of peace be relevant to a Christian festival. Surely Jesus never got angry at the governing powers and the violent repression going on around him. Maybe they should have been wearing fake white beards, that would have made them relevant.
Religion or inspiration from the scriptures are very common, though rarely viewed in a positive light. Personally I don't see this as an issue and most with strong faith don't either. One of my old training partners was a Christian who loved metal and would happily sing along with the lyrics slamming parts of the bible or decrying the way the faith of many is abused. As far as he was concerned if you can't handle your faith being challenged you don't really have any.
Love songs. There are a few, if somewhat less than there are lust songs. Most of them are about sticking with it and working together as a couple or family, which is more realistic, because fairy tale happily ever after is just that a fairy tale, good relationships take constant work, over time this becomes so much part of your life you don't realise it but it's still there.

If you don't like metal because of the sound, fair play, most don't. If it's the content you struggle with you may just need to find a different band. There is metal about virtually everything, legends, violence, politics, etc.

Animal Intelligence

I love hearing people talk about how smart their pets or other animals are for doing tricks using tools etc. Personally I have a slightly different view on animal intelligence which if they were smart enough to have a sense of humour I expect they would appreciate.

Fetch - Look how smart my dog is, I just threw away this stick and he brought it back. If your bin man did this for you with all the stuff you throw away I doubt you would regard him as smart.

Linear thinking - Using fetch as an example, most dog owners will have either deliberately or accidentally thrown a stick over a bunch of brambles or thorns, expecting the dog to run around. Some will but on the whole either they stand looking gormless or charge through and come out with thorns stuck into their bodies they are seemingly unaware of.
Trying to find things that have gone into water most dogs do not shove their heads under water, but a large number of those who do will bring it out in a hurry when they try having a quick sniff to trace it.

Ever alert - There are a number of myths about catnapping animals who are constantly alert and aware. Which explains why cats fall off furniture while asleep.

Well trained owners - I guess one definite area that shows how some owners can be convinced their pets are intelligent is when they have been trained. to. 'My Fufu is so clever every time I come home they go straight to the kitchen and waith by the fridge. My Fufu knows where the mini sausages are.' Their Fufu has trained their owner to give them sausages every time they come home, not really proving the intelligence of the pet, just the gullibility of the owner.

This of course brings us neatly on to the fact that people are also animals. We consider ourselves the most intelligent species on the planet for a number of reasons, personally I consider arrogance to be the foremost. The big brain intelligence argument has some but limited merit, the sperm whale has the largest by far larger than ours, so then to make ourselves feel better we compare it to body size making us top of the chart, not that we have selected figures to support concept at all. There is more to it and in fairness I doubt there is a great case to say we aren't the smartest animal on the planet but rather than saying great things about us is this saying bad things about the rest of the organisms we share our world with.

If this looks like I am declaring our species stupid, you have at least been smart enough to see the final point. If you aren't aware why either you haven't been out much lately or are one of the people demonstrating how stupid we are.

Reflections and General Nonesense

There was a silly thing I saw recently that made me think it could be amusing to reflect on some things that have worked out strangely over time.

The spur was a visual joke showing a picture of an eighties brick phone and a more conventional sized phone from 5 or so years ago saying 'I remember when phones were that big', then another showing a phone from 5 years ago and a smartphone from today saying 'I remember when phones were that small. The joke amused me partly because it showed how what most thought would be an eternal quest for the smallest mobile has become anything but and I started thinking what else has gone that way.

Part of the amusement I have witnessed has been due to period revivals. The seventies I saw mocked relentlessly in my early teens for the ridiculous platforms and flares made a comeback and soon all the sheeple who had been mocking these fashions were wearing them. Currently in the UK there has been an eighties revival, the period known at the time as the decade style forgot has been remembered, though without seeming to see the joke. This was a time when men could proudly wear a fluorescent pink sock and be considered masculine, as long as the other one was a different fluorescent colour, matching was not good. There were many who took the fashions seriously in the eighties but most of us just saw it as an opportunity to dress like clowns and laugh at each other.
There is something incredibly strange seeing people trying to capture the effect of a period I remember well in a serious manner when the fashions were commonly accepted as a joke.

Second hand clothing was the realm of those too poor to buy new. Jumble sales were so etched in my mind for the amount of bullying the purchases would bring my way I haven't been to one as an adult. I used charity shops to get smart clothes when broke and needing a respectable job and kitted myself out nicely for £20 top to toe with spares.
I went into a charity shop a couple of years ago and got the shock of my life. The term retro has become very big and with it the price of pre-owned clothing, to such an extent I could buy new clothes cheaper. Not quite sure how that happened but you certainly wouldn't be bullied for wearing the jumble sale gear anymore, in fact you may get more grief if your clothes are too new, I don't know totally out of touch really.

When I went to school there was a computer class, I never took it because I was reliably informed it was basically secretarial training. The machines had slots for the genuinely floppy disks and the rigid 3.5 inch floppy carrying a whopping 1.33Mb of data at a time. Home computer needs more ROM no problem just switch the C60 tape to a C120 instead, instant doubling of ROM if the computer had the RAM to cope with such vast data. Storage of computer data was serious business, and even Windows 95 came on floppy disks, 35 of them. Now USB flash drives that will hold gigabytes of data, a term people in the eighties would never have known let alone considered using, are made in novelty shapes and given away as trinkets.
Now we consider a nursery class without at least one computer to be neglecting our children's education. Your washing machine will have a higher spec computer than the best home PC from thirty years ago. Data storage on something we hold in our hands is old hat anywhere but in cameras and antique music players, that's what the cloud is for. I wonder how long it will be before a company starts selling portable hard drives in the shape of a 3.5 inch floppy disk for the retro image.

I have watched the young rebels become rose tinted has-beens talking of how wonderful things were when they were younger and how much respect they had to show. No mention of how little they did of course. The truth is I would say there is less crime on the streets now, young people are barely out of the house away from the TV and computer games. With less people out and about there is more fear because people feel isolated walking around, but in truth they aren't at any greater risk.

Smoking has become something only the working or non-working classes do. While it used to be a luxury now it's become a stigma and label to show that you are spending money you almost certainly don't have to spare. Growing up you felt ostracised if you didn't smoke now this has swung full circle.

Cars were a luxury for many as I grew up. The idea of a two car family was almost seen as showing off even if it was essential. Cycling was the poor man's transport and often the more realistic alternative to the second car.
Now owning a car is seen as a virtual human right and cheap runabouts can be picked up for less than a week’s minimum wage. By contrast you can spend thousands on a bicycle and gear enabling you to look like a technicolor yawn as you glide past the traffic jams. The car has become the norm to such an extent the cyclist is to be envied as he passes and the car driver knows they will not catch them back up. Two, three and often four car families are common as parents give their children a vehicle to get themselves to school or out of their way in general.

The school run. There were plenty of parents taking their children to school in cars when I was growing up, especially when they were in secondary education, now called high school, when schools could be many miles away but this seems to have become so much the norm now that insurance companies have recognised it as one of the areas where accidents are most common. The distance that many are prepared to walk to school has dropped to a level I would never have believed when younger, with more people willing to sit in cars for a half hour round trip battling in traffic than allow their offspring to walk 20 minutes to school. Where once the car was deemed the fast and efficient method it is now considered so essential that sense has evaporated.

Gambling, once the reserve of the bookmakers clientele is now in so many homes I am almost deemed foolhardy for not buying a weekly glut of lottery tickets. What was once a mugs game is now expected to such an extent people will ask what you would do with a lottery win as if no-one would not be buying tickets.

There was an expression that to see the UK in 10 years look at the US today. We got our own back to some extent by sending them brit pop, but it seems to have become an expensive and dangerous competition of who can have more obesity, diabetes, heart disease and ignorance than the worst stereotypical American you could possibly imagine. Homer Simpson seems to have been viewed less a comedy character, more a role model.
We have bought into a lot of the convenience ideas and there was certainly a demand, but for some reason too few seem to have observed what happened to the US when this lifestyle became the norm. Watching US TV has given many the impression junk food and inactivity will make them look like Cameron Diaz rather than Rosanne Barr despite all evidence point to the contrary.

Terrorism. When I was young the fear was from a group of very professional terrorists known as the Irish Republican Army IRA for short, funded legally and publically in the US these guys weren't into suicide bombings, they made sure they were well out of the way so they lived to do it again. For some reason we are supposed to be more in fear now than we were then, despite the current rather amateur versions having been easily stopped at Glasgow airport by a handy Scotsman who decided a man on fire needed to be knocked out rather than feared, not heard from them since.
I do understand that a lot of the fear is due to the undeniably horrific tragedy that was 9/11 or 11/9 in the UK an event that no single terrorist cell has yet taken responsibility for. However I find it bizarre that we in the UK fear groups who haven't harmed us or looked likely to on our soil in years, while in my youth there were attacks a few times a year.

Communication has become massive in my lifetime and made us ironically far more isolated by doing so. I was not a popular kid at school and remember the excitement of us getting a phone line to be able to contact the few friends I did have, usually to organise going to meet them in person. The idea of being able to meet up with people via computers of mobile devices that lived anywhere in the world made us all think the world would shrink and we would become more open minded and universally tolerant as you would expect from someone well-travelled.
Truth is that people have found themselves groups of likeminded from all over and are doing online battle on a daily basis with anyone whose views oppose theirs. The fact they are able to find others in the world with the same view has made them more likely to cling to these rather than listen to anyone else as they would have to if the arguments were more localised. It has also made people bolder about what they will say than they would elsewhere too. Face to face it is unusual to be referred in many of the ways that are common online. Anonymity has made people behave in ways they wouldn't dare to in the real world.
I will often deliberately play devil's advocate in a debate to make people think or take both sides in to confuse people and spur them to consider their viewpoint seriously. The internet forums have generated a new form of this with far less thought known as the troll, far from wanting people to think they just want people angry and will portray a version of a character so ridiculous only the most ignorant will believe it, unfortunately there are plenty of them around. So you get pseudo-muslim extremists who have no idea about the muslim faith but will provoke anger in others who are afraid of the genuine extremists the Daily Mail and other irresponsible news media tell us are around every corner. Christian extremists declaring God will avenge us all for our heretic belief in evolution, anti-theists declaring religion as the source for all evil and preaching theirs is the only true path. This in itself wouldn't be an issue if these muppets weren't overshadowing the billions of genuine decent people from the groups they are impersonating for fun.
I have my own way of dealing with a lot of these things and have been told that I must be gay among other things. In these instances I simply tell them how right they were and ask if they were hoping to get some action. Usual response is a string of profanity and they disappear realising not everyone is fooled by such surface nonsense. Taken seriously these guys are dangerous, but treated as a joke they can be fun to play with.

Back to cars again. I remember the main things anyone cared about when I was younger was how a car went, and would it get you home again. MPH as a priority has shifted to MPG for many. Carbon was, and still is in fairness, an element on the periodic table, no-one cared how much of it came out of the back of the car as long as it went well. Electric windows were flash, power steering amazing and ABS something not to trust.
Now a car without air conditioning is considered too basic, it should connect to your music player stop you dying if you hit a truck at 70mph and travel several hundred miles on a tank of fuel while entertaining the passengers with the latest film and directing the driver home via a few railway lines.

Music has always been the arena for rebellion. Every generation wants music their parents don't approve of, which has become a bit strange now in many ways purely by the way it still manages to succeed.
How exactly people who grew up with punk rockers in see-through trousers, metal heads wearing chains and hurling abuse or sexual invitation down the microphone manage to pretend they have moral high ground I don't know but they do it.
Music itself hasn't really changed that much, the rhythms are similar, the acts are coming off a production line and most of the songs are covering things that have been covered before. We have protested injustice, declared love, danced provocatively wearing as little as legal for generations, it's not new anymore, but somehow people are still being shocked into protest.

The recent passing of the date Back to the Future went forward to has shown how priorities are rarely what you expect them to be. We have no hoverboards, I couldn't skateboard so didn't care, our TVs have grown but we tend to watch one channel at a time and the world is all about mobile tech now.
30 years ago when the film was released the idea of an internet was something only the biggest geeks would care about, and having a device that enabled talking to each other on the move would surely be far more impressive than one needing us to type our comments.
But the minutes on a mobile phone tariff are almost irrelevant for many, the unlimited text messages and web browsing is what we care about as well as how trendy the phone itself is, even if we have no idea how to use it. Smart phones for dumb people are the big hit the hoverboard was expected to be.

More than anything I find the way we get things so incredibly wrong amusing and wonder what we are totally misreading now. My music player is becoming out of date as more people use online radio stations instead, geeks are now cool as long as they buy the right second hand clothes but with more people going geek they aren't really the cool exception anymore, revival has been the fashion so long I wonder what happens when we catch up with the initial revival.
The future is a mystery but one thing we can guarantee is some of the things that will define it are those we sit looking at thinking will never catch on.

Signs of age

Ok a few posts have been very serious and I feel it's time for a bit more light hearted fun.
Here are a few signs that give my age away.

I didn't used to know that my Evil Knievel toy had more successful jumps in my play time than he had his entire career.
I owned a black and whit TV with dials, and a record player.
My first mobile music player was a WM-B15 tape player which cost not much less than an iPod shuffle and used two batteries heavier than the pod.
I didn't realise PacMan would be such an inspiration to so many who went on to listening to repetetive music in darkened rooms munching on pills.
I remember when doubling computer storage on a home PC meant switching from 60 minute tapes to 120.
I remember punk and heavy metal when it was relatively new, not being revisited.
I remember CDs being advertised as virtually indestructible on tommorows world.
I saw mullets and flourescent socks as cool as long as not in pairs.
When I wanted to research things I had to use libraries instead of Google, it sucked.
I remember when diesel engines were for vans and tractors. No-one wanted a car with one.
I was upset when they stopped making ford capris and even more so when I found out the were rubbish anyway.
I was upset when they abolished the 1/2p coin as it meant the end of 1/2p sweets and halved the value of my pocket money.
I got the cane at school and remember how we used to try to get it for playground celebrity.
I remember when the reason for using a condom changed from contraception to life preservation, and being given one before I knew the point.
I remember people being annoyed when the shops had shut in the evening. 24 hour shopping wasn't a mrketing ploy people wanted it.
I thought chopper bikes where cool, but liked my drop handlebars for speed. First racer weighed as much as a tank but I thought it was fast.
Shopping used to have nothing to do with barcodes and we paid with cash. Queues moved faster when that changed until they added psuedo friendly service.
Car electronics meant lights and starter not computers. Working on them was easier and it needed to be with how unreliable they were.
Car seatbelts were optional meaning more people could fit into each vehicle. Airbags were fat passengers.
Petrol was priced by the gallon rather than the litre and was cheap enough that peasure drives didn't require a remortgage.
We were due to run out of oil before I hit adulthood. I am enjoying a very long childhood.
Electric vehicles were milkfloats not sports cars.
Wearing second hand clothes meant you were poor not retro.
World war 3 would be over in 30 minutes and we were waiting for it to start.
Russians were bad war mongers and Americans were the good guys. Don't see the Russian troops at war now though.

Catch up, holiday and gotten older

Every area has at least one strange tradition which you can only understand when you are there. The welsh wear welly boots as somewhere to put the back legs of sheep and last week I think I fully understand the use of a kilt. The Scots have a proud heritage of stealing things from the Irish to adopt as their own traditions, bagpipes and kilts being most notable, and until recently I never understood the desire of men to wear skirts especially as traditionally rumoured without underwear. There is however a creature native to the area that makes the reason clear the infamous female midge fly which will bite anything not armed with suitable repellant. It won't have taken the canny Scots long to realise they could save money here, no need to purchase, pants, soap or fly repellant when they can swing free and let the ensuing odour keep the midges away.

In case no-one has guess I spent my birthday week in Scotland, nicely into the highlands in the middle of nowhere, loved it.
There was very little in the way of training, two runs that were very uninspiring oin terms of pace. Both to some extent due to enjoying the incredible views, especially when the first included having a golden eagle flying overhead. I thought it may have been one when I saw it perched but there were leaves obscuring the view, in flight however it was unmistakable and the call could be heard long after it was out of sight. The second one was a reminder that even the faintest call of nature before a run should be answered or you have to find somewhere descrete.
Run on 10-Sep-2013
5.06 miles in 41:58 pace 7.24mph
Run on 12-Sep-2013
3.64 miles in 29.49 pace 7.32mph

Whilst there I enjoyed the tradition of eating haggis, black pudding, a deep fried mars bar (so much nicer than it should be) and other stodgy food. So I deserve to weigh a ton and run like a slug today but I likely won't.

I spent my birthday itself in a beautiful spot with my wife and son and thorougly enjoyed the peace and scenery. I did virtually nothing just enjoyed being there, something we all need to do occasionally.

Now it's back to insanity and with new kit for my birthday comfort zone is to be left well behind.

Will life begin soon?

There is an interestingly desperate sounding phrase, life begins at forty. I have often wondered if this is to make people feel better about getting old or a declaration that you are starting to get your life back after years of looking after family etc. Conclusions, absolutely none, but let's have a look.

Option 1
In the modern world the arrival of 40 is a major blow to many. they look back in horror at what they feel where the best days of their life and wonder what the heck happened, who dumped a bowling ball in their stomachs, stole their hair, made what is left grey, gave them faces that would make a great climbing route, and took away their ability to have energy and imbide massive quantities of alcohol and food without any worry at all.
It is also a time when people think about all of the wild things they dreamed of in their youth, look at their teenage or older children and think how they would love to be that age again, and what they would do differently.
For many they think life is over. They know that retirement will be adding more to the medication pile they are starting to use, have little energy to enjoy it and often no money as well. So when someone comes up saying life begins at 40 they probably want to rip their heads off and shove it up their rectum for taking the mick.
I posted on her about midlife crisis a while ago, and much as I take the mick I do understand that it is easy for people to be swept along then wish they'd stopped along the way to enjoy life more. If you are doing that now, going wild and abandoning the life you have is not a solution, the choices you made and commitments are your own, and if you take a really good look the chances are you have a lot to be thankful for.

I took the road less travelled and it lead me back to the same place as many, just further along it. I am proud of being a boring old man now and my declaration of this was challenged by a colleague yesterday who said that you cannot be unusual and boring at the same time. I argued my case but there is a good chance that I was wrong and may be more interesting than I give myself credit for, but I doubt it.
I am bigger around the middle than I used to be but most half my age consider me trim, I am going bald and grey, it's not a good look but I accept it without trying to hide or prevent it, as Steve Tyler san 'every time that I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clearer' so yes I would say I expect I look every bit the middle aged man I am. I have had a few people telling me I don't look my age and others saying I do, meaning I likely still haven't worn well and look a bit over 40 already, no big deal I have looked older my entire adult life.
Where I am different is I genuinely don't care. I didn't do many of the things I dreamed of going straight onto in my youth, but they were very sensible goals that I have gone onto do some of later, my time was a period of blatant stupidity I shouldn't have survived and pay for with some daily pain, and a lower salary than I could be on if I had gone the more standard route, worth every penny to know what really does make me happy and be content with myself. I look old, live a sensible and industrious life that benefits my family and myself without harming others, and have no desire to recapture my youth.
The things many miss from youth aren't important to me, I don't drink alcohol, the only 'wild night out' I have had in years was my brother's stag do, I wasn't at mine, I don't mind looking well out of my twenties or thirties or if people think my clothes are out of date and mis-matched, I never had any style anyway.

Option 2
After years of working hard and raising a family, the time is coming when you are able to start getting some time for yourself. You can do things that you couldn't in your youth because you didn't have the funds or the ability to get insurance. The sports car that would have required a second mortgage to insure can now be covered for just over a weeks salary. You have lost a bit of shape but are now able to get to the gym or exercise club and have made friends there of similar age. You are going on holiday to exotic destinations because you can and your children are jealous.
The road most travelled has been kind to you and the mortgage is in it's last years and well under half what it would cost to rent now. The garden is perfect, you wear what you like pottering around in it then laze around admiring it.

This is where the cost of going the alternative route shows, and there have been a few large spanners thrown into the works too. I started the normal life later than most and subsequently my son is not even in his teens yet, so my life is a continuous stream of work and family commitments, my time will not be my own for a good while yet if at all. Aspergers children don't always leave home, as they can't always cope alone so there is a chance that I could be looking after my son in a limited capacity for the rest of my life, even if only providing a home and reminding him about daily tasks that seem so unimportant to them, like washing and dressing. I could be looking at this type of situation at 50 but 40 will not see me getting more time to enjoy the garden, which in itself is no big deal as I hate gardening with a passion.
I would like more leisure time, but accept this as the cost of having lots of it when younger, we all have to put in the work if we want anything out of life, and I definately do.

Will life begin for me at 40? No.
Will life end for me at 40? No.
Will turning 40 affect me? Yes.
Will I do anything major to mark the event? Don't know.

To me the definition of beign middle aged is that I am in the middle of my life's progression, so it is not a begining or an end, in fact it's just another day, marking another year/ decade I have survived.
I will be affected by turning 40. I drive one of the most boring vehicles known to man so insurance will drop as long. I will have to tick the boxes saying I am in the 40 to 49 age group on questionaires. I will lose more of my hair and more of it will be going or have gone grey. Training will keep my recovery rate high, but I will be relying on that more all of the time.
I have marked out what I would like for my birthday, and it's not exciting to anyone but me. The chances are the celebration will be at a family restaurant or gastro pub, because that enables me to be with people who are important to me.

I don't expect I will feel any different than I do now. In the same way as after turning 30, which many made a big deal about. A lot of people are telling me they hated turning 40 but personally I don't see the issue.

I am immortal until proven otherwise!

Midlife Crisis

Great song! the end.
Well maybe not.
I have stated before that I did far too many stupid things in my youth to bother having one, but it's still fun to look at the things many do in their middle age and evaluate them.

First and foremost move the goalposts of where middle aged is. I am middle aged, there is a very slim likelihood of me surviving much more than the number of years I have already lived, so I am around the middle of my life. Many try pushing this further away to avoid classing themselves as middle aged, this simply tells everyone else you are definitely there.

Finding yourself. Voyages of self-discovery are a big thing and often used as an excuse to buy an unnecessary vehicle, go on a road trip, and pretend you are in your late teens when in truth you have children of that age, or could legally have. Harley Davidson would go bankrupt if this trend stopped along with many others who make profit from people trying to rough it in five star comfort without exceeding their credit limit. I did the running away part and did many stupid things en route. Couldn't afford a Harley or often even a roof, and was genuinely in my late teens when doing so. Finding myself didn't happen until I stopped running and looked inward and forward rather than outward, that part was not fun in any way and I am glad I did it before middle age.

The big bike. Harley was mentioned, there are many others bought to reclaim a sense of youthful exuberance. I have owned a bike with an engine made by Harley, it was great fun, totally unnecessary and I got rid of it when I realised that going out on the bike meant not being with my infant son. Born again bikers are a menace on the roads and insurance companies are so aware of this that they have released figures showing them as being almost as high risk as new riders. There is a certain bizarre pleasure watching someone who doesn't realise how much more power is being produced by a 600cc engine now than a 1000cc could 20 years ago, holding on for dear life when they wind back the throttle and try to avoid disaster.
The above is also true for sports cars, except I have never had one.

The affair. Unfortunately too many don't spend enough time and effort ensuring their life partner is the right one, this has given rise to a number of myths about how old married couples are and how unhappy it makes them. The all too common result of this is the affair. Today this takes many forms sometimes just taking place in virtual games, via text message etc. much as these can seem silly and harmless it is still a sign that they are thinking outside of the relationship they swore to for life, likely either financially too tied in or similar to escape.
I said I would never marry, largely because I saw divorce was so easy and later because the person in a number of those affairs was me. Fair to say I had a poor opinion of marriage in many ways. Ironically the core issue was that I never thought I would find someone that I could promise to stay with for the rest of my life, knowing that we all change over time, I always thought of this as a set of promises before witnesses, and refused to break such serious promises. Obviously I was wrong, but because I spent so much time with various Miss Wrongs I was able to identify the real Miss Right, eventually. I got better than I deserved, and this is one part of a midlife crisis that would never happen.

Getting the body back. Many people spend decades, driving, drinking, eating junk and generally abusing their bodies in the name of good living. All of a sudden they look at the mirror and the teenage photo and realise they aren't easily identified as the same person. This one is easy for me to take the mick out of as I am fitter than most half my age and have told people in that age group wondering how I could be like me at my age that it was by starting before I was their age. However I am not what one would call pretty, and my satisfaction with my ability doesn't come with the image of magazine perfection. The 8 to 10% body fat I had when caring about my image has blown to 15 to 17% meaning there is a six pack if I pose but just a fur lined variation between one and four most of the time. I do cite that one big advantage of being married is only having to impress one woman, she's happy, so am I.
For those who haven't lived like me i.e. normal people, the crisis method usually involves buying expensive equipment and clothing, club memberships and trying all of the latest crazes expecting their body to perform as if they had done this their whole lives. The resulting sight of someone shoehorned into lycra, or sweatsuits pedalling like crazy on the latest high tech bike, or trying to figure out how to get tea out of their new kettlebells is great, and the sight of them trying to move the next day is even more so. There are many who do this sensibly but they aren't the topic.
The next step of course is to declare that the exercise they did is bad for you or that they used to be able to do this so should be able to again, then buy diet plans they don't stick to electric stimulation devices, truly hilarious, or push themselves until they end up in hospital.

The big cover up. Hair dye, toupees, thick make up, age defying creams and every other product that is designed to hide the fact you are getting older. Physically I am fit, but there is no escaping the fact my face could use a darned good iron what hair I have left on my head is going grey along with the rest of it. I don't look like I'm in my teens or early twenties anymore, in fact I didn't when I was so I wasn't going to look younger in later years.
There is the expression that women spend more time on makeup than education because most men see better than they think, definitely truth there and it works as well both directions, trust me. As such this could be deemed more than a little unfair after all why shouldn't people make the most of what they have, or at least pretend to have what they don't. Well there is likely to be a time when the person you are acting for gets to see the real you, if you using a stack of makeup, both genders are now buying the stuff, wearing a girdle, inflatable wonderbra etc. there will be the time when you are standing before your new found partner without all of this and worried sick of what they will think, although in reality they will likely be doing the same.

Trying to be hip. For a start, I doubt very much that the latest term for being part of the youth scene is hip, secondly get real. You may well find yourself using the right words, if you are lucky maybe 75% of them in the right places, but any thoughts that the kids are seeing you as one of their own will soon disappear when they ask you what it was like when the latest retro tunes were new. Even if you have kept in shape and can move better than professional dancers in the videos, you will still be less hip than the 18 year old doing the funky chicken half a beat out of time. Youth scenes are exactly what they say, it's no longer a case of too much, too young more what's that looking over the hill is it a monster (forgive the slight name change). In the hip and happening scene age is crucial, teens are good young twenties are acceptable, older twenties are a bit, haven't they moved on yet, but if the first number in your age is above a 2 they will be expecting a zimmer frame at the very least, and the younger you act the older they will see you as.

Hardcore Training Lore

To be the best you have to live it. Training at optimum times, full intensity, with precision breaks, eating perfectly to macro level and never quit regardless of how you feel.
Nothing must come between you and perfection. It is every man's dream to look in the mirror and think three things, 'I look like God,' 'Why don't I have a girlfriend?' 'Why are my forearms uneven?'
Of course women can be just as sad, but the forearm joke doesn’t work as well on them.

Apologies to any looking for inspiration and serious workout guidance. This is not wholly serious.

I have spent time focussed solely on my training, achieved unparalleled results and been happy with my accomplishments. I generally didn't have girlfriends at these times, but my training was so tiring I would have been unable to please them or myself anyway, sorry, no funny forearms.

The description hardcore still gets applied to my training now, amusing to one who knows how hardcore truly feels and how far I am from it. People watching me do insane things in the gym or realising my warm up was running or cycling there considered this ultimate intensity, it isn't.

Training has stepped a few rungs down the priority ladder, below family and unfortunately work, I really want to retire. I struggle for time and energy as many do, but still stupidly use energy I should probably reserve for other things.

If you dedicate your life to training and recovery, eat perfectly every day and are committed (check the definition) to a level where nothing else matters, you will achieve the barely possible. You will also become one of the most boring people on the face of the planet to all except the similarly insane. When your friends, colleagues or partners if you're that lucky, glaze over, it's not lack of caring, you’re just dull.
In the gym people may care about your bench press breakdowns from 400kg and how your arms have grown half an inch to achieved perfect proportion with your calves and neck. Those outside it think you lift an amount they can't imagine and are so in love with your body you don't need a partner. So be dedicated by all means, also be aware of reality, and find equally sad friends.
I will envy you during my sessions, or sometimes at work, and would love to dedicate more time and effort to my training, but what I have traded it for is more than worth it.

Fitness fanatics are much maligned and the butt of many jokes, with just cause. We often do things with little or no real world application in the name of perceived beauty or personal ambition. I am of course no exception. I wanted to be a set weight and worked for years to achieve it. I then decided this additional muscle had to pay its way so went 'functional,' though I have never performed an overhead lift on an upside down dome outside the gym. I have noticed myself gaining weight and decided to see how big I can get and still run, there is no justification for this apart from obsession and need for new challenges.

Heavy drinkers boast about hangovers as an indicator of how much they drank the night before. Heavy trainers do the same about aching and most gyms have people stating how badly their butt aches from yesterday's squats, only here will a group of straight men will stare intently at each other’s buttocks without fear or ridicule. We never grow out of this, I still have days where I look as if I have been sodomised with a telegraph pole and strangely feel this is a good thing.

The most dedicated and committed have the following in common. They are all intimately aware of how insanely they are behaving, none of them care and they all love it. Most have a laugh about it, when it's two way.

If you are sad and fortunate enough to be a hardcore trainer, please boast here, if you are a has been like me, tell us why, and of course feel free to comment or insult this post or me as you always can.

Moderation, the way you should train

Those wondering why this is in Just for a laugh not something serious, please refer to the posts labelled training journal.

I have taught fitness as a job and helped many before and since that time. One of the most common key things has been moderation to stay safe and gain in a controlled sensible manner. This of course made me one of the biggest hypocrites on the planet, but it beat getting sued or loosing clients to the hospital.

Moderation is important for so many reasons and if you need help with your insomnia I strongly recommend reading up on them. For the rest of us who know that throwing caution to the wind and having stretchers on standby will enable us to sleep incredibly well life is entertaining, if not for us for everyone laughing at us.

Nutrition is an example of where moderation is exceptionally important. Balance is the key and there are food pyramids around to show the proportions we should be having. I haven't seen one of these with deep fried mars bars or 2kg bars of chocolate on them, but I have eaten both and not died. How can this be so? Deep fried mars bar was surprisingly nice and the bar of chocolate never even effected my appetite, I burn energy at an absurd rate and always have so I get away with throwing more junk into my body than I really should. However this said I do eat an outstanding amount of good stuff too.

Life is full of situations where we are supposed to be moderate and sensible. If you are every time you are heading for a serious disappointment in years to come. Sometimes it is worth risking ridicule, failure, even occasional injury to be outlandish and crazy. Trust me when you look back at your life it's not the days where you were sensible and plain that will be memorable, it's the times when you went all out doing something different even if you failed hilariously.

I have taken part in many runs but the one I remember most vividly was with me dressed loosely as a pirate, carrying my son who decided to spur me on with his plastic sword, not because it was most recent, just most bizarre. That was a success, many were shocked at how well we did, my father was disappointed at my son being placed below me in finish order, my son enjoyed the attention and thought jabbing me was hilarious.

Other things I have done were less successful but just as memorable including demonstrating my balance and poise by swinging my leg out over the pads after a set of leg curls and falling on my rear. Or my attention to detail as I put the wheels on my push bike, rode around a bend to see the front wheel go a few yards in the original direction then fall while me and the rest of my bike started going around the corner and fell over, guess who always checks the wheels now?

I have enjoyed my life and continue to do so by accepting some moderation for necessity and plenty of excess and stupidity for fun. Most importantly when it goes wrong, it often does, I accept it was my own stupid fault and try to figure out how to do better next time, or if there shouldn't be one.

In case you were wondering I am not saying moderation in training is a bad thing, but that it has to be personal choice. The level of risk and stupidity in my training has been reached over many years of ignoring that little voice warning you not to do that. The little voice is what keeps you safe and alive, ignoring it has caused me injuries, a few close calls with the reaper and some of the most incredible highs. Do not imitate unless you are truly sure and willing to take those risks, I am not wise, just someone who survived and refuses to accept pain as the warning it should be.

Getting older

The aim of every child the dismay of many adults. While physicists debate the existence of time as a concept we still get older none the less.
There is no age immune to the pain of aging. I remember really loving my first pushbike and being incredibly upset at the idea of having to let it go on the grounds that I was too big for it. As far as I was concerned there was nothing faster in the world, I may have been around 6 or 7 at the time and despite wanting to be older I had my first memorable taste of painful aging.

Truth is I don't actually mind getting older, things are more difficult I simply work harder at them and I am fit so the middle aged spread seems to be happening in areas that are no big deal. None the less 40 is looming incredibly near and there are some things that I would rather not happen but I cannot escape.

The hair issue. Going grey, couldn't care less, going bald, hmm! I used to have long hair, useful for headbanging and appealing to my wife. The day came when I looked and thought this is going to start looking really stupid and it was cut short, something I wasn't happy about. There are different ways you can go bald, receding from the front, bald spot expansion or various combinations of the two. Mine is a combination, two sides receding back and a growing spot halfway back my head, working to leave a small island of hair at the centre front. There are no graceful ways to go bald but this one is very annoying and starting to look really ridiculous. I think I would rather it just disappear and get on with it.
The added joy is I know there are a number of scars under that hair which will become exposed and I don't know that I fancy that much. One colleague said I could get a toupee as what I assumed was a joke. As I pointed out, with my attention to detail regarding personal grooming, I would likely end up wearing it backwards.
In conclusion the balding is not great.

Expectations. As you get to certain ages there are expectations on you. I am a staid old man in that I am happy with my family and various things in my life, but most this way are apparently supposed to look podgy and wear cardigans. Being fit somehow makes people think it's midlife crisis time. I did enough really stupid, irresponsible things when younger not to need any more in my life. This means I confuse many by being happy despite approaching a milestone others seem to dread.

One thing I love about getting older. Less people putting my physical ability down to being young. I train hard and enjoy it, that is why I have done well. It is also funny to watch others sometimes not much more than half my age declaring they wouldn't be able to do any of the various things I take for granted doing every week.

I am interested in any accounts of what you may think about getting older, good bad indifferent, the more humorous the better. Age no issue.

Greener grass

Many people assume everyone else have better lives and that injustice is only aimed at them. General point to remember if you think the world is set against you, chance are the world has better things to do with its time. That said of course it's not paranoia if they are out to get you.

Some great examples can be seen in the gym. Scrawny sticks like me when trying to gain mass will look at the endomorph enviously. In return the guy who looks at a dumbbell and gains a stone of muscle will be used to looking at cakes and gaining a stone of flab so will be envious of Mr Ectomorph’s permanent 6 pack and lean physique.

Women are the same. The stick figure women aspire to imitate will look at some fuller figures jealous that despite wearing 13 wonderbras they still don't have their chest.
The added joy of people with no desire to exercise except to shovel food or pour beer into their mouths, criticise fit folk for being sad and boring, guilty as charged, then wish they didn't have to stop Greenpeace dragging them out to sea when on the beach and want the fit look without the effort. One of the funniest statistics from a few years ago was the bestselling 'exercise equipment' was the delightful electronic muscle stimulators, if you want something funnier, watch somebody using one.

Bikers and car drivers are the same. I’ve always loved bikes, but there are times when it's nice to be in a car with cruise control and stereo chatting to family and friends in luxury. The joy of this disappears when in a jam watching bikes zip past as I do during rush hour.

The cool/ geek or nerd comparison, which has become blurred as geeks are becoming cool. Bill Gates spoke at a school and said ‘Be nice to nerds, chances are you will be working for one.’ At school being brainless with sheep like fashion sense is cool, and nerdy kids wish they could be like them. In the real world this gets you very little and the cool kids soon end up wishing they'd paid more attention in class so they could be earning the nerd wages, especially when they realise drinking several beers every weekend from age 15 has left them looking less cool. Of course there are nerdy kids who don't do as well as they hoped and they often feel life has been very unfair to them.

There is the married single jealousy. Many single wish they had someone and married wish for their single freedom. I remember telling a colleague years ago that those having affairs etc. generally had less than successful single history. He was confused by this and told me that he wouldn't consider an affair but was with the woman from his first relationship. I asked him what he'd wanted when single and he smiled as he replied 'To be married with a family.' realising he'd had a very successful single life, getting exactly what he wanted. The people we were working with who had been caught out, were declaring how bad life had been to them, sympathy not forthcoming.

I have been the shortest in sports where height is a benefit, and tallest in a power-lifting event where this is a major handicap. However if you want to be easily underestimated being average height is great.

There is the young and old debate. Age is considered the process where broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places. I listened to a lot of older people in my youth, some younger than I am now, and realised the wisdom in doing the crazy stuff young and getting it out of my system. Doing so helped me, but if you aren't crazy in the first place, that is probably better.
If you are young envying the old, try to remember that you will likely get there, and be happier if you didn’t rush the journey. My guidance, live like there is no tomorrow, but be aware there probably will be.
When you do something stupid or reckless and it goes wrong as it often does, it was your fault, no-one else’s, deal with it. I have damaged myself doing stupid things and been encouraged to do many of them, each will have felt like a good or at least acceptable idea at the time. Finding out it wasn’t doesn't make it the fault of others, I was still the muppet doing it.

If you travel and really get involved in the places you are in, you will notice people think of your home as wonderful, and wish for things you have. Appreciate what you have, and if you want more work for it. This may not be job related it could be making your relationship with someone stronger, giving up cigarettes or another addiction you hate or so many things. Try to remember that much of your success or failure will be in your control, and what isn't can often be fudged or ignored, with varying success or hilarious failures. If it all goes wrong, you will have tried and the chances are found some great people on the same journey.

As with any of these posts have fun pulling it apart, disagreeing or adding to it.
The idea is to have a bit of a laugh at some often serious stuff, which is easier said than done at times.

If at first you do succeed...

try not to look astonished.

Sometimes our failures can be hilarious. However being caught unaware by instant success can be just as funny and not being prepared for it can be embarrassing.

This can be something minor like putting up a shelf and finding it is level even though you didn't check through to adding 17 weird numbers together in your head faster than the calculator can be typed on. The task is often not as entertaining as the shocked reaction when you realise, any thoughts from those around assuming you are a genius disappear as soon as you declare 'Really?' or similar when told you are right.

In training I have often underestimated what I will be able to do then been astonished. Unfortunately the only time you realise that you are standing in slack-jawed disbelief is when you see how ridiculous you look in the mirror or there are people laughing at you.

Sometimes you will make plans that seem logical and doomed to failure at the same time. Often you will abandon the idea in favour of something sane and realistic, but sometimes you will go with it. The mix of pride and confusion when all goes well it un-matched at any other time.

Most of us will have been in the situation where we are asking someone for a dance etc. and expecting to have pitched beyond our reach. In this instance we are often prepared for the inevitable rebuttal, and can be left looking a prize prat when accepted and unsure what to do next. Even more so if the person you have been thinking about asks you for a dance and you somehow forget how to give the simple response 'yes.'

Working life is another time when you often try everything that should work and fail then turn to the ridiculous in despair to find success. The fun part is always explaining this to your boss.
'Well sir we tried all the stuff in the book but in the end it was connecting the curling tongs, 3 lemons and a piece of 2x4 that got the machine to go.'
'You're a software engineer, which explains the curling tongs and lemons but what the heck were you doing with a piece of 2x4? And how exactly did you manage to boot the machine during a power-cut?'

Bribery with children is great but there are limits many of which are based on age and experience. The first time you use 'You need to tidy your room before your friends come over.' it may work and you will be shocked. Don't worry it won't last before long they will come back with 'But we'll be making a mess anyway so it doesn't matter.'
So many things surprise us as parents and trying not to look astonished here is of optimum importance. If your child catches you out they know you weren't expecting the good behaviour and that is dangerous. My son is honest and has often confirmed noticing this and that I didn't expect the result. I maintain this by being honest back and expressing pride in him for being so good.

The heaviest metal never rusts

OK the title of the blog pertains to my enjoying heavy metal and I guess it's time to make the confession absolute. I am a true headbanger, and as stated in the book How to be a complete wally, not all wallys are headbangers but all headbangers are wallys.

There is something deeply strange about anyone enjoying music that inspires you shake your brains into submission for several hours or slam into each other grinning inanely. This guy forgot to stop headbanging long enough to eat.

Metalheads are also quite a strange crew as well, either pushed out to the borders of society or going there voluntarily to escape the mainstream. The music is generally powerful and aggressive even if the lyrics are about peace and love, which confuses the heck out of anyone from outside the metal fraternity if they listen hard enough to realise.

There is a sense of humour that goes with metal too that most don't get. It's insulting to everyone and everything especially metalheads themselves, who we stereotype as sub intelligent tattooed apes wearing clothes held together by frayed edges and various piercings.
Some examples.
Why are people more offended by fur than leather? Because it's easier to pick on rich old women than motorbike gangs.
An old friend of mine told me the thing liked most about metal was the women looked like women, unfortunately so do the blokes. After some time he also shared this insight with one hairy beomoth who terrified him at first, and found him laughing along.
In contrast another friend of mine coming to the club for the first time was very excited to see 2 women being intimate on the dancefloor. Not so much however when the one with legs and butt he fancied turned out to have a goatee beard and was stable enough with his sexuality to be out in a black minidress without caring.

I am too old for the long hair anymore, going bald and even as a metal head with virtually no style I have enough to avoid the long hair at sides and back with none on top. Dress sense is not difficult in the true metal world, keep clothes forever and keep wearing them, if bits fall of your clothes you can patch them but this is optional. If you really care about how you look in the t-shirt you were wearing in school that only fits because of the rips, you don't qualify.

I like my music how I like my training, hard and heavy. Like most metalheads I love classical music if it shares the same power and passion, a quick you tube search will show you many heavy metal versions of classical music and many of the best performers practice with classical pieces to gain the skills they need to keep up with demands of metal.
Yes a lot of it is loud, obnoxious noise, and not good for background music. There is a good reason for this, metalheads do not want music to be background noise, they want to be affected and inspired by it.
There are such a variety of metal tracks covering true love, hatred of war, sex, and of course humour, which is often offensive. There are many who think metal is about encouraging violence, which would of course explain Metallica's One among many others, or satanic like Rob Zombie's Living dead girl. These will always be people who have never listened to the words and realised that living dead girl and most others like it are intended as a mick take, unfortunately some of those who do listen to a few of them haven't reached the punch line yet either.

I find training is better to heavier tunes too, the aggression in the music helps me unlock my own and lift more than I would without it. I use similar music when running or cycling and have had to learn not to mime along with all of the words, especially Faith No More gentle art of making enemies and the like, people can get offended when lip-reading, not good.

The meaning of life the universe and everything

Starting with the obvious answer 42, anyone figured out the question yet?

Life is a bizarre concept and so many people have their own idea of what living is.
Science has various answers but there are organisms we see conforming to some and not others. Theologians have their own varied and often wonderful ideas. I being none of the above and being part of the computer rather than the programmer haven't a clue.

Most of us wonder what the point is at least once in our life and there are more opinions on what makes a fulfilling life than potential lottery numbers worldwide. If you’ve never wondered, I am surprised you have the mental faculties required to be reading this.

Why should we care? Well there is this strange theory that we are alive and its our nature to question things in order to progress. There are days I feel like death or wish I was, usually after a really good workout when every movement hurts, or when there is a lot of DIY to do, but as far as I know I am still alive and not looking likely to die anytime soon, so I care.

Are we insignificant? Absolutely without a shadow of a doubt yes and of course no. In a million years’ time the impact of our life is unlikely to be felt, this time scale seems huge for us but on a universal or even geological timeline it's nothing. Our lives do have an impact positive or negative on those around us now, that could be as minor as being the source of that awful smell in the lift or as major as providing clean water for several impoverished villages.

The big bang, or possibly the latest big bang. Anyone who tells you scientific thinking is having concrete answers, please explain why science was described as the study of discovering questions. The very joy of science is we know less by knowing more. Back when we knew our planet was the centre of the universe astrophysics was simple and wildly inaccurate, now it's complex and less inaccurate but we can say with some certainty that the sun will burn out long before we are sucked into a black hole and neither of these are likely to happen before we get home for dinner.

I live to some extent to provide a good life for my family. This wasn't always the case but I usually found things to give my life meaning and enjoyed it. I believe life is what you make of it and much as I love the big questions, it's the smaller world that makes mine feel good.

There are people who get life handed to them on a plate, and they are often the most ungracious around, but many appreciate their easy ride and work hard to improve the lives of others. Ironically whatever start you have it seems to be how hard you work on it that makes you happy, I think we need to know how hard life can be to be happy with how lucky we are.

There is a lot to be said for sitting back and looking at something you have done which may be of no importance to anyone else but gives your life meaning. For me it's often moving lumps of metal which have to be put away, for my son building lego creations that get blown up in games, and for my wife painting something she may decide to simply scrape away and paint over. Our leisure can be totally pointless and that is often the whole point. If you care what others think about your yard of ale record, or juggling flaming batons it's not fun anymore. When asked why I lift weights or run and cycle to work instead of driving or using the bus the answer is often because I can, and I love it, along with other activities known to produce endorphins. For others that would be cruel and unusual punishment for me torture would be sitting in a pub with a bunch of drunks watching football or some random talentless show, I never declared I wasn't weird.

Life is ridiculous and incredible, if you can’t laugh about it you’ve missed it. As always comments welcome.

Genetic Diversity

I have quite a diverse mix in my history and even though my parents were born only a few miles from each other to the eyes of many the border between them should represent a country border not simply county.
There is a great deal national or local pride in many people which is often a positive thing. However there are limits to when this remains healthy, especially when the UK inbreeding capital isn't an isolated village in the back of beyond but a sub-urban area mere miles away from one of its largest cities. I suppose it means less seats needed for family gatherings.

Why is it important and what is wrong with keeping it in the family? Anyone with a pedigree pet will tell you the answer to this immediately, and if that's not enough take a really good look at the world monarchies.

Pets are inbred to the point that insuring them costs more because their health has been damaged in the name of perceived perfection. Similar to the effect of surgery on Katie Price, but the result is not as ugly on pets. Another similarity is the IQ or lack thereof. I think the sheer stupidity of most pedigree animals would be enough to double the risk of injury and therefore insurance, but the system of no sense no feeling prevails and they are usually either unharmed or too stupid to notice the damage.

In medical circles there is the term normal for Norfolk, NFN, which is sometimes used for patients with of an issue stemming from possible inbreeding, that they can’t suggest officially. If this was a joke it would be in poor taste, unfortunately in most cases doctors are more likely to be told off for upsetting someone who is the product of inbreeding, not the patients fault, than giving inadequate care because they aren't allowed to treat it as such unless conclusively proven.

The concept of areas known for inbreeding has given rise to a raft of insulting humour about some of it is enjoyed as much by those there as elsewhere, not sure if this is a good or bad sign.
'Heh, heh, Mum, Sis that was funny.'
'Table for 2 sir.'
'Need this many seats.' showing hands
'Sorry sir groups of 12 and above have to book in advance. And sheep aren't allowed in.'

Is genetic diversity ever a bad thing. Based on the Stan Lee comics it will pave the way for mutants to rage battles in defence of us mere mortals, and others impurity of blood, blue blood brigade. If reality is anything like some fear and cloning or genetic engineering becomes common we could either stall or divert diversity and therefore evolution itself. Messing with genes is something that will happen in the future, and has potential to prevent disease and improve our race. It also comes with immense risk not least of which the potential for generating humans who may not be able to breed naturally with all but a select few others. If diversity was to be taken out of nature’s hands it could be the making of us as a species or mean breaking us into various sub species. Class divides cause by financial affluence could in time become a new type of human if they could afford alterations the rest of us couldn't, giving new meaning to the term mixed marriage.

I find this sort of stuff interesting and sometimes amusing to think of because the science fiction writers have considered many things and scientists have sought to match a few of them. We deny change at our peril, but could the sheer act of diversifying ourselves scientifically lead to compulsory inbreeding by creating new species?

This has some serious topic in it, but it is intended to be at least a bit of a laugh too. If you have something to say that is serious, profound, funny, confused or just downright appalled please let me know.