Learning Curves and Methods

Age brings experience, apparently. Personally I find experience and allowing yourself to be affected by it bring experience. There are several who are born and grow old living in a bubble protected by familiarity and ignorance, often chosen ignorance. Others embrace the world around them at a young age and cherish the learning which comes from being wrong. I often say that I went travelling at 16 knowing everything and came back knowing nothing, a reflection on how much I thought I knew when setting off that was totally wrong.
Some of my experiences will be in direct opposition to that of others, this doesn't make me right, just my life different.

Learning by experience, or often from your mistakes is good, learning from the mistakes of others is far better. A couple of examples.

My uncle enjoyed his job, not a bad thing in itself, but when his health got to the point where he needed to stop work he found he didn't know anyone outside work. This got to the point that even when told he wouldn't live more than a few months if he returned to work he still did so. A few months later he died at work. From this I learned that it's good to enjoy your job but more important to ensure you enjoy your life. This is the same for people who cannot retire because they wouldn't know what to do with their time, if this is you, time to get a life, boring as I am I could retire now happy, if I had the money to do so, donations to this fund seem somewhat lacking.

Those reading this blog may notice a subtle theme regarding the occasional desire to keep fit, or obsession with stupid levels of training of those around me seem to recognise it. As I turned 40 recently I had a phone call which confirmed part of why I do this when a relative told me I was now one of less than 50% of my family to have reached that age without heart health warning or an actual attack of some sort, mine is not a fit family.
One of my family in particular used to constantly say that she would welcome dying form heart attack because it would be over quickly rather than the slowly degrading health she had witnessed many times. When she did have one a reality dawned on her, not every heart attack is fatal, in fact a surprisingly high amount aren't. What they are however is incredibly painful because your entire body and mind is telling you that you are going to die and this is something it will complain about.
In fairness there is not a single member of my family that has heart issues that cannot be sourced to lifestyle, but enough of them have it to persuade me that looking after my heart and lungs is of optimum importance. My lungs are rubbish considering what I do but my heart idles below 60 and can happily sit at 180 while I run as long as I want, not bad for someone 1.5 times as heavy as genetics make me.
Look after things your life depends on.

Things like this I learned by watching the stupidity of others, there are many more of course but this post will be big enough without listing them all. The fact I have benefitted from things like this means I am generally very open about my own past stupidity to allow others to make informed decisions. This doesn't mean telling them not to, it means telling them the costs and benefits and letting them decide for themselves.

My brother got married last year and one regret I declared in my best man's speech was that I haven't always set a very good example for him. Something we discussed a bit in his stag do.
We were brought up separately me as an only child by my mother he and my sister by my father with my step mothers other child. So when I went travelling doing competitive dangerous sports rather than following the path expected, college, university, productive life, this appeared the epitome of cool adventure and he was always a bit envious of the things I had seen and done that he never would.
When we talked on his stag do I pointed out to him that the root requirement behind my activities at that time was the willingness to endanger my life often several times a day. While the carefree lifestyle looks great and I did enjoy it at the time, there is a point when you have to ask why someone would be willing to do this. When I said this to him he took a moment to absorb it and realised his uber cool big brother was telling him that he didn't value his life at all at that time and while I wasn't seeking death I would happily have welcomed it. The information hit him hard but it also made him realise there is something to be said for feeling happy enough with your life to walk the path most travelled and of course why it's good that this is the more travelled path.
There is always a cost to a benefit and while that period of my life got me out of depression I didn't even realise I had and gave me the confidence/ arrogance I have become proud of, I could easily have paid the ultimate price for it. I don't mind being considered arrogant and will declare myself so. The reason is I remember the time when I sat and looked in the mirror hating the person staring back at me to the very core, when you hit that kind of low where you loath yourself to such a level you don't mind people seeing your confidence as brimming over a bit.

Misinformation. When growing up we get told a lot of things, some of them will be incorrect. Our parents and peers are rarely deliberately deceiving us but their lack of knowledge or biased opinion is often passed on. An example I encountered was the classic drug pusher, which I was led to believe would be the person working hard to recruit new customers. The reality I found was that the most common pushers are guilty conscience users who feel better if there are more people using their substance, and in truth illegality is irrelevant on this, I have found more people trying to push me to consume alcohol than anything else.
When I first saw someone I thought matched the image of a drug pusher I had been fed in my childhood, I advised a friend and was told to follow him discretely. When I did it wasn't long before I saw the transaction I was expecting but he was handing over the money while someone simply sat at a table relaxing, waiting for customers. He was pushing drugs less than an off licence pushs beer, no adverts etc. just keeping the product with him and being there.
This doesn't make drugs safe of course. You can by rat poison from the hardware store but that isn't a good idea for regular consumption either. It is an incident that taught me that stereotypes we are fed can often be wrong.

A more pleasant example was the first time I met a group of Russians when travelling. These were people I had been brought up to despise and distrust, brought up in a military town in the last days of the cold war meant being brought up on fear waiting for the inevitable nuclear holocaust.
Learning that the people I met had been brought up to fear and despise me just as much for being British was a real eye opener. I had been pacifist for many years by then but some of the brain washing was still working and it took effort from both sides to accept each other.
When we did it was brilliant and we found ourselves loathing the people who had tried to limit those we would accept into our lives instead. This doesn't mean I would like every Russian person, it means I know the only way to judge a person is as a person not by nationality, gender, social background etc. I don't like a lot of people, some know it others I tolerate because I have to, that's called social existence, but it's worth getting to know people before judging them. There is an expression if you lend a friend a pound and never see them again it was a pound well spent, basically showing that if they are untrustworthy they weren't a friend. We all get the judgements wrong too and people change so be ready to adjust your opinion for better or worse.

Parenthood, if in doubt don't. There were often groups of protestors in the city centre where I grew up and in fairness most of the time when they were talking about things that affected me deeply I tended to walk past and avoid them. One of them was an anti-abortion rally and I got stopped and asked if I supported abortion when I declared yes and congratulated the person on a happy childhood he decided I needed to be told how wrong I was, a few seconds into his rhetoric I stopped him and asked a simple question he evidently hadn't encountered 'If someone was stopped from aborting, would the child you saved thank you when they grew up?' The answer was obviously yes with a look of being astonished I would ask such a silly question, my response of 'Then why don't I?' left a few thinking more than they were used to. I am not great at showing how I feel but I don't think anyone there doubted the truth of my claim, and I was able to leave without further harassment.
This paints my mother out as the worst of people and in fairness neither of my parents would win any awards for the job they did with me but there is a lot more to it than simply finger pointing. My mother did as many of her generation and used marriage as a way to escape home, as someone who used dangerous sports as a way to escape my life I can't criticise. She wasn't shown love as a child and neither were her parents, subsequently she didn't know how to show me any and after the marriage broke down she was left with a child she had insisted on contraception to avoid and intended to have terminated until she was persuaded not to by my father and others. Finding herself in a situation where she felt even less valued than before while trying supporting and caring for a child she had correctly assumed she wasn't ready for. If you think this makes her the villain in this picture, I suggest you try doing it with an electronic child and see how it works out for you.
There is a lot of talk about the best age for parenting etc. and a disgraceful amount of pressure on people to have children. I don't tell people not to have children but I do say if you think you aren't ready, wait until you are over 99% certain. As parents we are the main influence on our children and we need to be ready to put someone else ahead of ourselves for a couple of decades at the very least. A 'normal' child is hard work, one that veers from the norm will be more difficult still, worth every bit of effort but still a huge commitment and one where getting it wrong will destroy a life.
Some bad reasons to have a child.
To strengthen a relationship. Seriously if your relationship needs strengthening a child will kill it stone dead. You will be adding a new ingredient that will demand care, love and attention from both of you, so it will strain your relationship and take time attention and displayed love from each other, you need to be ready for this. This doesn't mean you will love each other less but there will not be the ability for an adhoc romantic evening or carnal fest when there is a baby or child needing you.
Peer pressure. If I need to tell you this I despair for you, but it is something I hear a lot. If someone is so keen to see a new baby let them have their own or adopt one. Have one when you are ready. This goes for pressure from your partner too, it's a tough one that splits many otherwise strong relationships, so have the conversation earlier rather than later.
Forgot contraception. If you were trying to avoid having one there is a very strong chance you know you aren't ready. It isn't a direct given but don't simply have a child because of laziness or absent mindedness.
Age. There are a number I have encountered who decide they have reached the age where it's now or never for parenthood. If you are sure and ready go for it, but if in doubt, don't.
To care for them in old age. Seem sick, is sick and is not nearly as rare as it should be, because it shouldn't happen. Your child is not your servant or staff, they are your responsibility and by the time you need care they will hopefully have a family or better things to do than look after you.
Companion for current child. Children can make their own friends and most of us will have seen younger siblings being dragged around by reluctant elders. The older child will resent having to look after the younger and the younger will hate being bullied by the older who doesn't want them around.
Companion for you. This is not your friend it is your child, keep the separation very clear in your mind. It is good for your child to like being with you but you have to be prepared to make them dislike or even hate you on occasions when it means teaching them lessons that will help them in life. This is not friend territory, it is part or parenting. This isn't a popularity contest between parents either, if one of you does something the other disagrees with you support in front of the child and discuss privately. If you realise you are wrong apologise in the way you would expect from your child, mutual respect is important.
If you think I am being harsh on other parents, this is nothing compared to how hard I am on myself. I spend my life wanting to be worthy of my son and hoping to have done a good enough job for him to enjoy his life.

Theology. I like theology which considering the grief I got in early life for not 'understanding' god surprises some people. I don't like the way religion is used by a number of people, but I don't like the way guns are used by a number of people either so that's no big deal.
To understand history you need to understand the people, to understand people you need to understand their beliefs, and why they believe or pretend to believe it, I do like history. Ironically to fully understand theology you need to understand history too.
There are so many people whose lives have been enhanced by belief in some form of deity and I have seen this first hand many times in my life. People receiving support to help them through tough times and encouraged to help others do likewise. There are of course plenty of people who will do this without religion, self included, but for some this is central to improving their lives.
Flip side of course is that I have seen many people who have had their lives torn apart by religion of moving away from it. This brings me to the main thing I don't like with religion, the arrogance of assuming it must be infallible and that rejecting it means rejecting people in it. In fairness every intelligent theist I have encountered, the majority, haven't been like this but it takes very few to make this unforgivable. The worst cases I have seen of people being excluded from family and friends for moving away from faith have resulted in attempted suicides, fortunately none successful, and there is no way to justify that over what at their core are a collection of stories. Even if these stories are totally true I would say a deity that insists on you ostracising those showing doubt is unworthy of worship, and in fairness I have yet to find a religion that fully does, this is a human issue.

Education and knowledge, understand the difference. I have met many educated idiots and some remarkably intelligent and knowledgeable people who hadn't been given the opportunity to get such formal educations. This doesn't mean you can't be educated and knowledgeable of course, I have conversed with many who were both and I was fairly sure that for them it was like me talking to a chimpanzee who'd learned English.
There are many things to be gained from effective use of education but you need to have the end in mind from the start, otherwise you end up with a qualification that is no more use than any other ornament. If you want a job in a particular field find out about it and what you need to do to get there. My brother did this and in a style almost unique worked from the age of 10 to around 30 getting to exactly where he wanted to be, proof education can be very useful.
There is a lot of critique about education, and I am as guilty as most for doing so. But it is one of the most valuable resources out there. I am from a family background where I have to be very thankful to the many people involved in making education not only available to all but compulsory in my country. Without them I would be an illiterate serf, instead I have been able to work alongside some of the most educated and in many cases privileged in society on roughly equal terms.
There are of course several instances where education fails people in todays world and I remember being one step from expulsion being asked why I hated learning and telling the teacher I loved learning which was why I hated school. It is amazing sometimes to look back at things you said and realise that you were the person creating some of your own problem. I was a nightmare in class because I was bored. My reaction was to not attend some of my classes and spend that time in the city centre library or museum instead. Yes I was truly that sad, no alcohol or standard rebellion, more learning for me. If I had realised at the time that the teachers were teaching under orders of a strict curriculum they would like to have been able to improve on and expand I would have asked them for guidance to other learning, but I was too convinced they were somehow stopping me learning out of malice, I was a teenager and they are wired to seek absolutes.
The few friends I had from those days are predominantly dead or in prison, so my continuous desire to improve myself and learn has likely saved my life.
Use education to enhance your opportunities and guide you to further learning. If you want knowledge get out there and study things you do and don't agree with, challenge yourself and encourage others to challenge you. One thing I will guarantee every single person on this earth is we all believe or 'know' things that are totally and utterly wrong. The best part is most of us have no idea what most of them are, which means we all have a massive amount to learn.

Sometimes our primary purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. If this is never true for you it isn't a good thing. We all need to mess up a few times in our life, if nothing else it teaches humility, though often humiliation too. Learning from others errors is a good thing of course but sometimes you will be in a situation where you have to take your own risks, love is the classic example. There is a very good chance the first time or even few times you find love you will find heartbreak a while after, this should never stop you being open to it happening again, if it does you are a world class idiot. There are a few things to remember when looking for love that I will list below. I am not an expert, I just happen to have been lucky enough to have found a wonderful wife who is willing to put up with me to such an extent she can't imagine life without doing so.
Love at first sight = lust, over 99% accurate. This doesn't make it a bad thing, in fact statistically relationships that make the exceptionally rare transition from lust to love have the highest success rates long term. The key is to understand the difference, looking at someone and noticing your brains have dropped a few feet is lust, even if love has joined it that's still lust.
Love is a whole different ball game, even when the person you love is driving you out of your mind with frustration, rage etc. and they will, you don't want to lose them. You see them suffering and want to take that from them and would gladly take it on yourself, especially when you are the cause.
There is no magic way to know when it's love but a good guide to know is when the idea of life without them scares the heck out of you, that feeling never goes away, part of feeling so good with someone is being scared it could end.
You change and you don't care. To be right for each other you will both make changes because there will be things about each of you that could damage the happiness you share. When these become a part of your past you don't regret it or pine for the good old days to return, you are too busy enjoying the relationship that is a central part of your life.
Don't rely on 'you just know' it is cliché and you don't always realise. The best sort of love sneaks up on you and sometimes this can be so gradual that you need a good shake to realise it's happened at all. Please don't wait for the person to push you to think about it, doing so risks losing the most precious thing you may ever know. The truth is that love doesn't always feel the same either, I have only encountered it twice in my life, both were very different, assuming the opposite meant not recognising how I felt. When I describe myself as lucky to have my wife, my luck was often her pain.
Don't fake it. The 3 little words carry a massive weight, don't ever forget it. If asked and you truly don't know, say so, likewise if you know the answer is no. One of the few things I can declare that avoids me having been the worst of people in my time is that I have never declared love I didn't feel I had. I have seen the results from people who did and can say people are hurt less when you are honest in this area, still hurt of course but nowhere near as badly.
Be on the same page. If you are wanting a relationship that is purely between the sheets, totally plutonic, fun, steady, flexible, there is no problem with this as long as you both want the same thing. If you don't there will be problems and you will have to decide if the relationship is going in a direction where both of you will be happy, if not it will fail or you will be unhappy.
Not everything lasts. This may look like the sort of thing that is easy to say by someone who is happy in a lifetime relationship that will likely only end when one or both of us do, but shocking as this may seem there was a time before my wife when this was something I had to accept too. How you handle this will define you in many ways. I was disposable for so many years I considered it a part of normal life and often genuinely didn't care. However there was one love prior to my wife that tore my heart apart when it was over. I did what many don't and realised the reason I was so hurt was because I had lost something that felt so good. This realisation stopped me doing what many do, going cold and hiding from love. I am currently enjoying the result of remaining open, so I would recommend doing the same to others.
Love is not a weakness. There is a lot of childishness about people declaring love openly etc. Truth is either those doing it are having a laugh and do it themselves or they wish they had the strength to have their emotional attachment so clear for others to see. One of my proudest moments was walking into a workplace where a woman I had never met was saying how you can often just tell when someone is married then pointing my way and saying 'like him' before stalling and saying 'you are married aren't you?' as she checked the ring finger. To me being instantly identified as a married man means I give off an air of someone totally happy with my life and wife, a true strength in my existence.

Live and enjoy it. Learn until the day you die, it is truly one of the greatest things you can ever do. Be wrong and thank those who put you right, it may be painful to do it at the time but where possible go back and do so.
We are all ignorant but remember there are 2 types of ignorance, not knowing and hiding from knowledge. The first is good, it means there is more to learn, the latter is not. Choosing to ignore things that challenge you or what you feel you know is never a good idea. It is better to seek things that disagree with you and learn something new than avoid them. It doesn't automatically mean you change your view but it always enhances your understanding and sometimes it makes you realise how right you truly were.