Meaning of my life, passage of time

Not my common light hearted junk I am afraid.

There are a few thinks of late that have made me think about not so much the meaning of life but what I live for, what it does for me and what impact my life has and may yet have on others. Ironically some of them simple adverts etc. I am that sad. I do also tend to reflect on life a lot, a sure sign I have messed it up often.
I am not a massively significant figure, so happily my life has very little in the way of direct far reaching consequences. There are many who seek power and influence, I am not one of them. My life and reading has taught me that one person's freedom is another's tyranny and making choices that affect people’s lives is a dangerous game that is never going to benefit all.

Early life is so unbelievably important and the details of mine wouldn't make pleasant reading. I am however thankful that it wasn't one of the many I witnessed. Most of us have things we can whinge about, truth is we either let it destroy us or ante up and fix ourselves. Anyone thinking this is easy or rewarding in the short term hasn't done it and hopefully doesn't need to. There were a number of lessons I learned growing up and most of them were later proven wrong. Some of the things I was told made little impact at that time but I realise some of the people I idolised were telling me things I wouldn’t understand until adulthood and some knew they wouldn't be around then.
Growing up in a military city during the tail end of the cold war I was literally waiting for disaster and brought up to fear everyone and everything and respond violently. One violent response I apparently won taught me that throwing the last shot doesn't make you the victor, in fact on that occasion having the sense to stay down would have made walking a lot easier for a week or so.
War and peace is a strange topic and one I have given a lot of thought to. I am from a line of very effective and decorated killers and know it's in me as much as them, the decision to avoid situations where I would be expected to kill is the only reason I haven't. Some people think first, others dwell later, I am the latter, so I would kill without a second thought in a war zone and regret it later if finding out I had been wrong. Armed forces love people like me if conditioned to hate the right people we become mobile weapons on low pay and rarely die alone.
The above in mind I decided the only way to avoid killing people I neither know or have reason to hate was to be pacifist. I like the idea of universal peace and how hypocritical being a pacifist truly is to such an extent I have little time for the airy fairy hippies who don't see this. People have fought and died for me to have the choice not to, my stance against violence has literally cost lives. I have fought or intimidated to get my way and all of us have, so there is no real peace while we can't be mutually respectful to all and expect the same in return. Peace has to be policed because trust will be abused, the larger the scale the larger the force required to do it. If you are looking after a class of children you have to deal with playground scuffles, a public bar you have to deal with those losing control via alcohol you are selling. The armed forces are basically a scaled up version of the playground assistant keeping our childish rulers, voted in by childish voters happy by maintaining an illusion of peace, to keep power where it's wanted.
I am proud of my choice and wish more real pacifists, who have done more than feel peace from being stoned existed. The irony of deciding this when a child was the announcement turned me from someone bullied a few times a week to a person needing a daily lesson in why peace doesn't work. The system was to corner me until I had to fight back, so becoming pacifist in a military town meant having to learn how to fight dirtier and nastier than ever, whenever I couldn't outrun them.
I doubt I inspired anyone in my youth and if anything that was definitely the time I worked more as a warning to others than ever.
One of my worst memories from this time was looking in the mirror at a person I hated and realising I had to either improve or lower my standards. I think the latter may have been easier but I am glad I chose the former.

Adulthood hit hard and fast. I knew it would but was not even remotely prepared for how much so. There was no support network, I wasn't popular enough to rely on friends and family was a mess that were glad to see me gone, or at least so I thought, in fairness being kicked out at minimum age as you had been told you would half your life kind of enforces that pretty well. There are many ways people deal with this virtually none are constructive and mine definitely wasn't, I tried alcohol but the reaction was too much for me to justify so when the opportunity came to run away and leave my world behind I took it.
There is something I refer to as the ugly duckling syndrome and I am undoubtedly one of the worst examples of this you could ever imagine. I was very pathetic and unpopular at school with zero confidence, which had been so beautifully enforced I considered my life without any value. The fact I didn't care if I lived or died as long as death was quick led me into a world where I became somewhat of a celebrity and despite still looking like an adolescent twig an object of sexual desire for many women I was terrified of. Net result of the sudden shift was exactly what you would expect a quivering mess who rapidly became a grade 1 arrogant a hole who didn't care about anyone else and assumed my life would soon be over so wouldn't harm anyone either. In reality I was largely right in that most people knew I was basically a plaything to be used and abused and while they stuck to that no harm befell. However inevitably some feel more deeply than expected and finding out the person they had invested feelings in is at best in hospital or worst with someone else a day later is going to hurt.
Ugly ducklings are dangerous places to invest feelings and many of us become so detached from ourselves and everyone else we don't even know what we feel let alone how to deal with the feelings of others. Some deliberately hurt others out of spite, others like me do it out of ignorance, neither is better for the recipient so the defence of accidental damage counts for nothing. If someone tells you things that make you suspect they are an ugly duckling and that they are only ready for a casual involvement be ready to take them at their word. Due to travel etc. I have no idea how many women I have been intimate with but I know I only loved two and one enough to marry her, both of them got hurt by me and I don't have any idea how many others were likewise that I didn't even invest emotion in.
This period introduced me to fitness a passion that has stuck with me ever since. This enabled me to fix some flaws in my character by helping people reclaim health and mobility when sharing my experience and knowledge with them. It also made me appear desirable to make a part time living from my appearance, something that paid for some adult education and got me started toward my current career. When I started this it was a major ego trip to be paid for my looks and physique, by the time I finished it was more rewarding to see people surprised by what I could do more than how pretty my abs and arms were, I had grown up a bit. I am not a stupid man and knew this couldn't last so while others tried desperately to find someone to keep them or cling to glory days I spent my money getting some basic qualifications and prepared for a more respectable life.
Unfortunately there were a number of people who were inspired by me during this time one in particular I was hurt to find out was trying to copy my example. This wouldn't feel as bad if it was my commitment and dedication to training that people were wanting to replicate, but it was the way I appeared to get away with mistreating women that drew followers and popularity.
I do often say popularity is over-rated and as a person with virtually no friends now I tend to say 'as if I would know' to add to the humour. Truth is I do know what popularity did to me and I don't look back fondly on the man I was then. I expected my penance to be growing old alone and considered that I thoroughly deserved this end, I have been very lucky and it appears that will not happen to me.
At the time I thought I had life well and truly figured and despite many warnings from others that I didn't I like most newly developed swans wouldn't listen. People that self-obsessed generally don't, I have advised a few who showed signs similar knowing how futile this would be and I doubt one of them listened.

It is strange to think this stage of my life is now a long way behind me. I was fortunate enough to find someone with a suitable sized boot to give me the kick in the rear I required even when that involved getting hurt a lot herself. We have an agreement now stemming from an understanding that being perfect for each other means we would either be driven of drive any other partner insane. Neither of us are allowed to die alone, it has to be a joint process so avoid the other being alone. Many who first see us together don't get how we work so well, then they get to know us and it becomes very clear. Our personalities don't match how we look in either case but we match each other well. Life isn't easy and we don't make it any easier with some of the decisions we have made but we appreciate what it is gaining for us and get on with it. It's over 15 years ago that I met the person who has defined my life more than anyone before her, neither of us are easy people to live with both very intolerant of our own failings and tend to push ourselves too hard.
Love is something I never understood in my youth and in fairness I wasn't shown enough of it to have any real clue how to recognise or understand. As such I hurt those who invested in me and took a long time to discover how deep this emotion really goes. I thought I had felt it a few times and on reflection know otherwise, I was feeling the result of wanting to be in love and that is not even close to the same. As stated before there have been two relationships where love arose, so yes the first one ended and I got seriously hurt, something that normally prompts cold barrier building to protect from the same in the future. I consider myself smarter than many because I realised the pain I felt was because of how good I had been feeling before, so trying to avoid this in future would mean never feeling that good again, something I would never want to risk. The cost of the best relationships with deepest love is fear of losing it, even though you know it's unlikely.
I am no expert on affairs of the heart as it were, having made a mess of so many in my past. What I do know is the chain of not feeling is likely easier to maintain than to break, but it's worth breaking. My mother didn't know how to show affection because she received none, as did her parents and many others around the globe. Many brought up in this way don't see any alternative and plod through life causing those around them including their next generation to feel uncared for. The alternative can hurts a lot but it's worth it, show and tell your children how much you love them and be ready for the fact they will occasionally hurt you when they are upset or angry with you. That's the cost of being so open but the rewards are there when they will come to you equally open too and you can see how confident they are because of the affection you are willing to share. Parenthood will be hard anyway and they will hurt you regardless of how tough you try to be, so this is not much of a risk.
That brings me to the part of my life that defines me most, my son. I have always said that you should never have a child unless you are totally sure and the more parents I have seen since he was born the more convinced I am of that. There is a heavy duty pro-life crew out there and if they weren't so dangerous to so many children I would think that is a good thing, because only someone who has lead a good life could be so naive. Their idea is that a baby born is a happy ending, when in reality it's anything but. I tend to avoid pro-life protests etc. but on one occasion in my late teens one of the people taking part asked me directly if I felt abortion should be made illegal, when I said no they looked suitably appalled and ready to give me grief, I asked them a simple question 'If one of the people who you saved by pressuring mums to give birth to children they don't want was grown up no would they thank you?' The answer was of course yes, to which I replied 'Then why don't I?' I would love to say it made them think but I doubt it did. The joy of a parent who drinks a lot is they tell you things they can't remember when addled by alcohol, not a great thing to find out, but I was used to it by then.
If you are in any doubt at all about having a child, wait until they are gone. Even if they are born totally by the book they will not be easy and if they are deviate from the norm in any significant way that will double, so if you doubt your ability as a parent and wait you stand a chance of becoming a very smart parent who will truly enjoy the job. My son is spoiled I make no excuses for it he receives affection and attention that most parents would see as excessive, and his life is easy in many ways. The flip side is he is disciplined to a level most wouldn't dream of and as such people regularly comment on how well behaved he is, a good trick for an Asperger’s child that has required a lot of work from him, my wife and to a lesser extent me. If however you have a child regardless and discover you don't really want them they will feel it and hate you for it, there is no happy ending here. I personally hate hearing parents talk with relish at the idea of time away from their children when they are nearing the end of holidays or have decided to be away for other reasons. Don't get me wrong I am happy that my son wants a sense of independence, but I spend enough time away from him earning a living without adding to it.
If you truly devote life to your children they will give you your best and worst times and endless pride. Most of our children will not be Nobel prize winners etc. but that doesn't matter at all. The difficulty is making sure they know how proud we are of them. Our job involves a lot of criticism to keep them on the rails and this isn't pleasant especially when you know they probably can't fully help it, but if we don't we are neglecting our responsibilities. I am a firm believer that I am not my sons' friend I am his dad. We get on but he can choose his own friends, people he will be with by choice and who will never be responsible for him. These will be transient, as the person ultimately responsible for him I won't. I also like seeing how far superior he is to me at his age in so many ways, his confidence, general enjoyment of life, willingness to communicate and enquire, things we have worked hard on and still continue to.
As home educators we have to be very careful, many seem to have chosen this route to avid teaching their children various things a system I am strongly opposed to. I don't care if parents are religious or want to confine their child to a limited group of people you should, teach science, history and the native language of the country in which you live. Home education is a very easy thing to abuse by teaching ignorance to your children and if someone reading this does so and wants to justify it I would love to see a well-reasoned case for this, it would be the first. I like the fact that our son disagrees with us on a number of opinions etc. because it means we have avoided teaching with bias. We also have the delightful process of teaching things from the curriculum then having him study a bit to find out the curriculum is teaching things we have since disproven, so far this has happened most in history and science where it was too many to remember. It can be interesting to find out how much that I know is now out of date to as we research for his lessons.
I don't know if I inspire or scare people nowadays. People see how much time and effort I put into so many things and admire the results but know they wouldn't be willing to do what is required to get it.

There is plenty of life in the old dog yet. Death has come knocking a few times I just don't answer the door. One doctor told me that my body doesn't seem to have figured out how to die, considering it's not something you get more than one attempt at I am happy to keep it that way.
The financial climate and fact I am supporting my family solo means there will not likely be a rich cushy retirement for me but my hobbies are not expensive so I don't really care too much. My son is being prepared for a life full of opportunity and if he ever dares suggest supporting me as a thank you he will be told to put that idea somewhere dark and uncomfortable, parents support children, not vice versa. He is too young to have any clue which direction his life and career will take him, I was 2.5 to 3 times his age by the time I figured it out, but as long as he's happy I don't care. One of the joys of having an Asperger’s child is not all of them leave home and he is quite convinced that he will get married and have children living where we are now, cute maybe but not beyond possibility either.
I am married and there is a good clause in that 'til death do us part so plenty of years with my wife yet to come. My wife is as crazy as I am so this should prove to keep my life happy for many years to come.
I don't know what is around the corner or down the road etc. and am not stupid enough to think for one moment that I am ready for any of it, but I have adapted so far and expect I will do so then.
I look at myself now as a part of something more rather than a person in isolation. This feels right to me, I felt this way when I was alone but there was always some desire to prove myself to others that I have lost now. I compete in my own ways but feel a contentment that I never knew before. There are things I would like more of, predictable things like money, time etc. but the reasons are less selfish than before and in fairness I know I have done better than most would have expected me to, including me.
I am a self-improver and always will be so there will not be a time when I stop wanting to be better than I am. This intolerance has been destructive many times in the past but now I just use it as a way to keep body and mind working effectively.

Some conclusions I have drawn from life so far, I hope there are many more I will pick up in the future.

Learning from your mistakes is good, but learning from those others have made is so much better.
Never take anyone's word for it. Kind of contradicts the above but circumstances have to be considered.
Be ready to learn. Not all lessons are pleasant or even necessary but many surprise you by being so.
Ignorance is not knowing something, stupidity is refusing to learn, don't get the two mixed up.
If you think you have a handle on life, think again.
You could be the most perfect being in all of existence, someone still thinks your worthless and to them you are. Deal with it.
If you think the world is out to get you please remember the world has better things to do with their time.
It's better to be wrong and learn than never step outside what you know.
We all answer to many people, the most important is yourself. If you like you there is a better chance someone else will, if you love yourself you probably won't have enough left for anyone else.
Judge yourself before others. When you are working on your own flaws it gives you a better understanding of why many don't bother, and why you should.
Be a fool and look the part sometimes. It really is a valuable experience not to be missed.
Rejection feels nowhere near as bad as a missed opportunity.
Live like there will be no tomorrow, but remember there probably will be.
The things in life worth having take work and don't ever stop needing effort.
Always reserve the right to be wrong.
Life changes everyone who lives it. Be prepared to be effected and decide if the effect was a good idea.
When you make a mistake assess where it has taken you or what it has given you before you try avoiding it. Some of the greatest things in your life may be from mistakes, don't trash them before they get a chance.
This is not a test run it is the only life we get so make the most of it.