The inspiration for this comes from an authors thread I enjoy reading. Ironically I ended up there by following a thread from someone I know from a fitness forum, in fact it's his brother. I have asked his permission and have linked to his post here https://thedarkword.wordpress.com/2015/02/22/its-a-little-heartbreaking-when/#comment-919
I am not a fan of easy routes and though I know I would be one of the many unpublished writers, if you don't count a single story in a magazine, the point raised in this post is something I have applied before and appreciated.
The easy route is the one with least effort and often perception of most reward for that effort.
I see it and loath it most in parenting, if you want an easy life, don't have children, simple as. None of them are easy, be ready for it or don't bother. I have infinitely more time and respect for people who have no children because they knew it would interfere with the lifestyle they enjoy than people with them who regret losing it.
I remember a number of years ago being told by a parent how they couldn't control their early teenaged daughter while apologising for what she had done. My response that if he'd waited that long to instil discipline, then it was his fault not hers, wasn't well received and a mumbled 'I suppose so' showed how he was suffering for having taken the easy route.
Tough call parents don't have hearts of stone, they are made of patchwork from the times our children break them. Discipline and abuse are often paired up as if one requires the other, strangely my son is recognised as having incredible discipline and he has never been hit or physically reprimanded. The first word he learned was 'No' and discipline hasn't let up since. Most of the time he appreciates his life, at times he hates me for being so hard on him and then he watches the behaviour of others and thanks me for ensuring he doesn't act that way. The latter is something I never expected until he reached adulthood, but it has happened frequently.
I didn't take the easy route and my son appreciates this. He is Asperger's, as many of the best people are, so his sense of right and wrong are very pronounced, something that can make discipline very easy if treated properly. However it also brings the rule for one is rule for all attitude, not a bad thing but an issue for 'do as I say, not as I do' parenting. One of the tricks we have used most of his life is to allow him to tell us off, there have been occasions where this was accompanied by Dad misbehaving to reinforce the rule in his mind, it works far better than most expect, though you do get funny looks when your preschool child is telling you off for being naughty. Come to that I don't think the funny looks have stopped despite him being somewhat older now.
There are a lot of books about parenting and the reason many choose not to read any is because no child is by the book, aka laziness. My child like all others is not by the book, but having read a number of them equipped me with potential ideas for the areas where he is, which in truth is most areas by at least one of the books. Much of what I have done has backfired, some in spectacular style, so they got tried once and never again. Other things were no good initially but I have watched him grow into a person where they are worth doing.
I am also a firm believer that if you treat children like idiots they will become them. There have been conversations with my son where I have spent more time explaining what the things I have said mean than on the actual topic, but he now has a very good vocabulary and a great thirst for knowledge. I have instilled in him the idea that if he wants something he can achieve it if he is willing to work hard at it, and like most of us there are a number of things he would like to be good at but can't be bothered to put in the work for. Unlike most of us however there are a few areas he really does work at and really excels in, treating him as if he was just a child and wouldn't understand would not have allowed this.
Of course there is the other danger, shortening childhood. Desire for the child to do well over-ruling the desire to let them have fun. I am not someone who cares about getting funny looks, I consider it an occupational hazard. My son wants to play tig, have me propel him and some friends on a tyre swing etc. I get on with it. Childhood is short enough enjoy it and let others enjoy it. Remember growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional.
Fitness. I will have said before that one of the best things about getting older is the number of people attributing my fitness to age keeps dwindling. I would say the best thing about turning 41 was not being 40 anymore, I didn't mind being 40, it was people's reaction to it I found difficult, especially when I wasn't traumatised by having an age with a zero at the end.
I have increased my lunchtime running distance to just over 10k, which someone pointed out to me is a distance many aspire to run then declare he wished he could do it and be so fit. If I had been in an environment where some diplomacy is not a prerequisite I would likely have informed said person that this isn't a fluke or something linked to me being somehow gifted and special, this is the result of me having spent decades training despite the ridicule etc. that comes with it.
I will say myself that many of the things I do in training are only to be undertaken after consultation with a registered psychiatrist but none the less if you want to be fit or even just look the part, wishing for it is not the way to go.
It is easier to drive than walk, sit on the sofa than go to the gym, play computer games or surf the net at lunch than go for a run. There is however a huge cost to this. I have heard so many people tell me of Fred or Mildred who lived to be 90 while smoking and drinking every day, I have seen many Fred and Mildreds in my life who struggle to walk up a flight of stairs without a cigarette break, take so much medication to control the lifestyle related bad heath they should rattle, have no mobility at all and where a decent orgasm would be the last thing they would ever do.
In contrast I remember a couple where the man was Europe's No. 1 biathlete in his age group (60-70) and his wife was an aerobics instructor, teaching many half her age who struggled to keep up. The wife was less than discrete about why she was generally smiling and had the simple guidance that all women should marry stamina athletes if they wanted a happy marriage. Her very unassuming husband was so used to hearing it he never reacted. I haven't seen either of these two in many years and there is even a possibility they could be dead now. If this is the case they would have died in their 70s, maybe early 80s for the husband, younger than Fred or Mildred. However I would trade the existence sustained by Fred and Mildred for the life thoroughly enjoyed by the other 2 in a heartbeat.
Fitness is a lifestyle, not a trend or a short term fad. My wife gets told every time I hit a milestone birthday that I will slow down at some point and the body and ability I have worked so hard for will wither away. The last time was during my 40th year and she'd had enough so told them that people said when I was 30 that I would have stopped by 40, now they were saying by the time I am 50 or 60, and she doesn't see it happening. I enjoy my life too much to let it go. It's not the easy route, but I am finding everyday things far easier than others my age and younger now, so overall it is making my life easier.
Interests and career. For me writing is an interest, for the gentleman who wrote the post inspiring this weighty tome this is a career. Subsequently he is working infinitely harder on his writing and is far better at it than I am, despite being so much younger. The time and commitment he has put into this is why, in terms of time spent writing, he is leagues ahead of me, and the practice has made him more talented. In contrast of course if there was a SQL writing contest between us I would run rings around him, even if marked on artistic influence, that would be selective writing, if you got the joke you are as sad as I am.
For some of us making our interest our career is a great idea and incredibly rewarding. I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who can do this and no small measure of envy, because I tried it and hated it. For me career and interests have to be very separate, I enjoy my work but not as much as my interests. I am also far too obsessive to make my interests my career because it would mean having to put up with people less obsessive and I can't do that.
I am good at my job and probably still better at my interests, despite having to spend far more time at work than play. Finding what I do for a living interesting is a sure sign of how uninteresting I can truly be. None the less I do and especially over the last couple of years where I have been in a position that works to my strengths with people employed to break my stuff I have become more accomplished and am enjoying it even more. The desire to constantly improve is in me already so having the steady stream of challenges and testers finding thing that could break my logic regardless of how unlikely keeps pushing me to be better outside of my comfort zone. The good news is because I do a job that either requires you to be insane or will soon make you so, most don't want to do it, so demand is high enough for me to make a comfortable if not lavish living.
I am too belligerent to allow myself to not be fit, and enjoy being outside my comfort zone to ever stop learning. My idea of relaxing TV ranges from disengage brain movies where physics takes the day off or stand up comedy, to astrophysics, history, geology and natural history. I get a buzz out of being wrong and like seeing things that show me how little I know about the world.
Religion. This one will be contentious and I will make it clear it is not a dig at all theists, but there are a hardcore group for whom it is simply easier to learn selective bits of a religion from a person in a pulpit than that technical sciency stuff.
America is very big on atheist slamming at the moment and part of this was to show how ignorant atheists are about religion, especially their native Christianity. I cannot imagine a piece of research funded by religious groups rebounding more spectacularly if they'd tried. Overall knowledge of major religions in the modern world, atheists scored above all others, knowledge of Christianity and its scriptures, well I'll by darned if it's not those pesky atheists again. Who let them near a bible?
Religion is something used by some to enhance their lives, and others to control lives. The former have my respect as long as they don't allow it to blind them to one inevitable truth all of us must accept, all of us could be wrong. While the keep this in mind they will seek knowledge from outside the prescribed literature and improve their understanding of what they perceive as the world their god(s) gave them. The latter especially when they seek to profit by promoting ignorance get no such respect. They are encouraging people to limit their minds to line their own pockets or keep control of people to lazy and stupid to question them.
The classic was someone declaring creationism must be exactly as written in the bible and evolution couldn't ever have happened. I pointed out to this person they lived a few miles from a site where animals have evolved to a separate subspecies within the last 150-200 years, so much so that the worms living there cannot breed with those from 30 miles away because they are genetically incompatible. The response was that this is just earthworms and not much of a change, totally missing that this in only a couple of hundred years shows how much is possible in a few billion, that is why young earth creationists cling so hard to earth being a juvenile. Fun to see them declaring the world as being younger than some living organisms in our world today.
This is just one area where people take the easy route because thinking makes their brain hurt. Sorry to have singled out religion, there are many others, this is just the biggest target.
Hiding or running away. This isn't a sleight against my favoured form of self-defence, the ancient and mystical art of legitquick. This is the response to stress and tough life where we hide in substances or run away.
Am I being hypocritical here? Heck yes. I had a tough time in youth, not the toughest by any means but enough to feel that death was a preferable option to struggling on through life a few times. Then when I did get out of home I ran away from the place I knew to do stupid things endangering my life in order to escape the stress of being at home. As it happens it almost worked for me, because I came back mentally stronger and on the right path to being able to face the issues in my head. I say almost quite generously in truth, it took me a number of years before I actually did start dealing with the issues, and fell foul of the same thing most who run from their own mind do. When you stop running the problems are still there.
The same is true of those using substances to escape. There are too many, which only needs to be 1 in this instance, who declare with pride that military didn't get counselling after the world wars, they just got on with it. First of all this is nonsense, the amount spent on post war counselling was quite substantially above £0, but not enough. Growing up I knew of many ex-military who hid inside bottles to escape their wartime past, most stayed in them until they died. These war casualties will not appear on any memorials because we aren't supposed to think about the fact that our minds get messed up by war, mass killing is not something we naturally adapt to unless we are already a bit messed up.
The easy way here has one of 2 results. Either the rest of your life is spent in a state of running or hiding with the issues this brings, especially when the hiding is in substances. Alternatively you will come out of it at some point and at best have to deal with the issues and more likely have to deal with the original issues and the damage you have caused yourself and others during that time.
My time of running was when I was struggling to reclaim feelings I had stopped having, not hiding from just not experiencing anymore. The trail of human wreckage I left in my wake is something I have to live with and no amount of apologies will ever remedy in some cases. Most knew me by reputation so viewed me as disposable, the rest got badly hurt as I ploughed through too hung up on my journey. When I stopped running I had one person to support me, who was capable of giving me a swift kick to ensure I got back on track and got off the easy road. I wish I had done so earlier.
My mother was another example and as I have said before those who instantly judge that she was an alcoholic for so long need to have lived here life and see how strong they were when she reached for the bottle. The big issue of course came when she then found herself stuck alone with a child she had been very clear about not wanting because she wasn't ready for, needed to provide for it and had no qualifications due to being removed from school at 14. It was after I had come back from dangerous sports that she stopped drinking so it had been a few decades in the bottle. The easy route led her to a place where she had to deal with the original issues, chronic health problems, a string of failed relationships and the damage caused to me, destination was far from easy.
Relationships. I do get very bored of seeing couples who evidently tolerate each other rather than love each other. They are another example of cases where people just settled because it was easier. Do yourself a favour, don't do this, I didn't and trust me it was worth waiting to be sure.
Being alone scares a lot of people and that is fair enough. I always thought I would grow old alone and felt I deserved to, this was less a fear, more an acceptance, but none the less it wasn't pleasant. I have watched others look at the relationship I have with my wife and wish they had something like it, like most things they are looking at the results not the process. I am not an easy person to live with in fact I am a walking nightmare, fortunately so is my wife for most. We both push hard and are less than forgiving or our own or often each others shortcomings. This has meant we have worked with each other to improve as a couple by working hard as a team, the alternative which would have happened by pairing us with normal people is we would destroy them.
I have been impressed with some couples I thought at first glance were just settling then realised were destined to work well because they wanted the same out of life together. This is very much the point of who does and doesn't end up in happy relationships in later years. Who you are now matters less than who you want to be and how much effort you are willing to put into getting there, ideally you will both support each other then you have it sorted.
This rant went on a bit longer than intended but hey, it's been a while since the last one.
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